How to Find Your Personal Style
In this episode of the Hot Girl Psychology podcast, the girlies explore the concept of personal style. Reflecting on their own style eras and evolutions, they discuss what style actually is and why it’s important. They dive into topics like self-concept, intentionality, culture, and values. They define what clothed cognition is, and how we can dress for the roles we want. Sharing the messiness of their style journeys and giving tangible tips, the girlies teach you how to find your personal style, and how to create a world in which your outside matches your inside.
If you’re a girly who loves fashion or who wants to find your own, unique style, this one is for you.
SPEAKER_00
Something that I like to do is find three words that you want people to get from you when they look at you. Mine would be I'd want people to see me as a dark, soft, feminine artist.
SPEAKER_03
Dark, soft, feminine artist. That's so good. Yeah. Oh my god. I should have had you choose my words for me. The author that would choose my words.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. I can. I can whenever you want me to. Okay.
SPEAKER_03
Hot girl psychology. Hot girl psychology. Welcome to Hot Girl Psychology. We're a girls girl podcast where attractiveness meets attachment wounds.
SPEAKER_00
Here at Hot Girl Psychology, we believe that the darkest parts of your mind are the sexiest.
SPEAKER_03
I'm Emily. I'm a startup founder and CEO, and I put the psycho and psychonutritionist.
SPEAKER_00
And I'm Deanna. I'm a clinical psychotherapist, published dark romance author, and recovering people pleaser. I treat complex trauma by day and I live it by night. What's up, girlies? So today we're talking about style. So this is really cool because we're peggybacking off of the end of our last episode. Yes. Where we were talking about how to become a confident and whole hot girly, which was all about self-concept. Yes. And then towards the end, we started getting into style and we were like, oh my gosh, we have way too much to say about this. Yes. We can make a whole episode on it.
SPEAKER_03
And so here we are. Here we are. Our whole episode on style. Yeah. Okay. So let's like talk about our style history first. Okay. Yeah. So I feel like every hot girl like has a moment where her style is born. Right. Like, like there's a period of time where your mom dresses you and maybe your mom is stylish. And that's so cute. We love that. And then there's the period of time where you're like just learning how to dress yourself and things like that. And then there's the period of time where you're like, I am making an objective decision that this is who I am. And this is how I'm going to wear my skin from here on out. So for me, that choice was around age 10 for like the first time. And it was really just, I just want to wear a lot a lot of black. And then it was just, there's so much to unpack there. And then what I did after that was when I really started like deciding what I was gonna wear, I was like maybe 13. And I was super into okay, let me actually have you guess. What do you think my flavor of style was? Not goth, but what do you think my flavor of style was? Uh punk. Yes, yeah. Oh my god, yeah. No, that's exactly what it was. I was super into punk style. Yeah. So like I even had like a little mohawk for a minute. Oh my god. I really did. I really did.
SPEAKER_00
Oh my gosh, you need to find a picture of it. I do need to find a picture. Incredible. Yeah, I feel like I feel like it's my favorite thing you've ever said.
SPEAKER_03
It was definitely, it was a moment. It was a moment. I did get in trouble for having it. So, which I mean, I feel like that's like a parent or with the free. My dad was like, You're not fucking leaving the house looking like that. And I was like, This is the most punk rock thing I could think of right now. I'm punk it's not a phase, dad. No, literally, but like also your dad telling you that you can't wear your punk hairstyle to school is like the most punk rock thing you can do. That's very, very blank 182. Yeah, it's a very blink 182. It kind of like reminds me of um this is so niche, but like there's this one like um season of the real world where there's this girl on there named Frankie, and she's like literally quit the show by saying, I'm too punk rock for this.
SPEAKER_00
So yes, rest in peace for you. So that was your motto. No. At the time is I'm too punk rock for everything.
SPEAKER_03
I was too punk rock for everything. But like I would wear I love that. No, literally. I would wear like nothing but band t-shirts. I would color my hair a million bajillion, bazillion different colors. It would be blue, it would be pink, it'd be red, it'd be orange, it'd be every fucking color under the sun. Um, I would like wear all the studs, and I made I handmade my own studded jacket when I was like 14, and it was like my most prized possession on earth. And I like wore it for like years. Um, and I just was like very and I like took the mice face pictures like of horse, yes, with the flip phone.
SPEAKER_00
Yes, yes. They were always though, like they had to be like all the way up there, and you would just be terrible. Yes, and you had to be like looking at it like yeah, you had to be looking down, yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_03
Yes, or only do like the side of your face if you wanted to be artistic, which I was, I guess. Um, and yeah, so that's that's like my style history. And then I just kind of like as I got older, like I had a very um odd Eileen Fisher phase where I like and so Eileen Fisher, for those of you who don't know, is like what your like 65-year-old grandma wears. And it's like, yeah, it's like very uh that was during a phase where I very much didn't like my body. So I just was like So what age was this? Probably like 24 through 28. So we're older. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I discovered I was hot and I was like, oh, okay, cool. Maybe I don't have to, maybe I don't have to dress like a 67-year-old grandmother. Yeah. Yet yet. But I was like, man, just like drapey clothes. And I lived in Seattle where it was like dark and like dry like dreary and stuff. And so I was just like always wearing all black anyway at that age.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03
Um, and then I started dressing really hot and really eccentric, which was interesting. So I was wearing tons of bright colors. This was like maybe three years ago, maybe two years ago. I was wearing tons of bright colors, my hair would be bright colors, all that kind of stuff. So I kind of had like a little resurgence of the past with my hair, but like the brighter colors as opposed to more punky. And now I don't know how I would describe my style, but um, it like probably shifts between like cutesy and like elegant. So like cute, elegant is probably where I go. And then obviously sometimes I still have my little like pseudo-punk moments, like last week's episode where I had the little like that was pretty punk. Yeah, it was super punky. Yeah, lots of leather. Yeah, lots of leather. I have lots of leather. Oh my god, I own so much leather.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, it's like wild. I feel like you're you're very leather. I am very leather, yeah. My yeah. You know what's really weird? I asked um AI to make a photo of us. Yeah. Um, so it wasn't it wasn't Chat GPT. It was like a different AI platform that I had paid for in order for like book covers. It didn't make me anything good at all. I wish I remembered the name of it so that I could tell you not to fuck with it, but I don't remember the name. Um, but I I had paid for it and I was like, well, damn it. Like, let's see what else I can use this for because it wasn't doing any justice for book covers. But so I tried to make a a photo of both of us. And so I sent a photo of us together and then one photo, a selfie from my Instagram, your most recent selfie from your Instagram. And it put both uh both of us in black and it put you in leather and me in lace. And I was like, that's so cool. Our faces were super off, so why don't we use it? But it like didn't let's such a good um that is us. Yeah, I just leather lace.
SPEAKER_03
That's so true. That's so true. So, okay, so that's my general style history. Tell me yours.
SPEAKER_00
Oh, I love that you, you know, have thought about the whole evolution and everything. I I think that that's so important to know what your style evolution was. Absolutely, you know?
SPEAKER_03
Absolutely. Well, I mean, I didn't know it until I just started said it out loud.
SPEAKER_00
So to be fair. Well, that's why this podcast is so cool. Yeah, you know, there's a lot we can go through. It's rare that you're in a space where you're given a certain amount of time just to talk about yourself. Oh, you know, which is really cool. And obviously, you know, we we try to give you guys tangible tips. We try to add in some clinical stuff and things like that. But I find this like very healing and very good for my self-concept because a lot of this is self-exploration.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
And I feel like a lot of what we've said, we've been like, I haven't realized that until just now.
SPEAKER_03
No, literally, I feel like we're like kind of low-key doing therapy on each other at times.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, which is cool. So, everybody, if you're listening, start a podcast. Yeah. If we can do it, you can do it.
SPEAKER_03
Anyone can do it.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. So my my style history, it uh honestly sounds kind of similar to yours. I will say I am very, very rebellious and you individualistic by nature.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
Um, I'm an Aquarius. I don't know if anybody like if anybody's into the Zodiac, then you know what Aquarius means. And it's very, very being like unique and an individual and an innervator. And so I like from like my parents will well, my mom will say, Um, you know, even when I was like a toddler, I just refuse to wear anything that she said. And we're still there. She still tries to tell me what to wear, and she'll give me hand-me-downs if something's too small for her or something like that. And she'll be like, You should wear this. She'll buy me clothes and stuff like that because she like wants me to dress a certain way. She's always trying to tell me. So we're still in the same spot that we were when I was like two years old. And I'm like, No, mom, this is who I am, mom. It's not just a face, ma'am. Um so good. So nothing has changed with that, but I always, always, always wanted to dress incredibly unique. Yeah, I always had an affliction for the darker, the more eccentric things. Of course. And I liked to do kind of social experiments. Yeah. I noticed that I really liked doing that in middle school. And I would dress a certain way and see what would happen.
SPEAKER_03
You were my favorite weird person. You seriously are. Like that's so weird, but so you, and I so love it.
SPEAKER_00
I I always, I always did that. And I also liked I was that is literally so dean. In awesome, I like my deal, like my our school, you know, we had like a hundred and something people per grade in in middle school. So everybody knew each other, and everybody really fucking knew me.
unknown
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
And I had eyes on me all the time. Yeah. And I didn't like it, but then I'd fuck with it. Yeah sometimes, you know what I mean? I love that. Like so much. I would say that I didn't like it, and I didn't in a lot of ways, like when the intention was negative because I didn't like negative attention. But then I'd also be like, Well, what can we do with this? Like, I I liked to sometimes get a rise out of people. So it's like, you're fucking looking at me, you know, like you're choosing to do this. Like, let's see what we can do with this. I maybe it was like a way of like giving me power over it or control or something. But so I would do crazy ass shit. And so I was a competitive dancer uh until I guess until I went to college. And I had this one day where I literally wore a dance costume to school. It was like a crazy, crazy ass dance costume with sequins and all the stuff just to see what would happen. And so yeah, I always just wanted to test people. And then in high school, I was very much, you know, like forever 21 was in style. So you like wearing, like I would shop where everybody else would shop, but I would always have a very, very unique style. And I remember like my parents' friends being like, Your style's so cool, it's so edgy, it's so edgy. You know, like oh my god. Older people always used to say that. That's cute. I I did have a very, very specific style, and it was, but it was much darker than everybody else. I'm from the Jersey Shore, and people probably don't know what that means, but people dress very, at least in my community, people dress very, very preppy. It's a lot of at the time Lily Pulzer. Yeah, just very, very preppy, very like Nance Huckett. Like if you if you guys know any of that, that's like sperries. Sperries, yes, yes, sperries, yeah, things like that. Yeah. A lot of times the girls would be like, oh my gosh, I love the way that you dress. Like that's so cool. I want to do that. And the boys were the ones being like, oh my god, Deanna's wearing a leather jacket. Like, what the fuck? Who the fuck does she think she is? Like, fall in line, bitch. Fall in line of what? Yeah. What the fuck? I don't know. Who created the line? Anyway, again, I liked to just like rock the boat, fuck around. And then in college, I felt like I was really finding my style. It was very like similar to how I dress now, honestly. Um, but just like messier a little bit. But I had this like cat shirt phase and I would wear cat shirts to the club. Did you really? But I also feel like sometimes it's not what you wear, it's how you wear it. And I wore it with such intention that people were like, oh my god, you're so fucking cool. And I was like, Yeah, I'm fucking cool.
SPEAKER_03
Awesome.
SPEAKER_00
And then I became a teacher, yeah, and things really changed. Yeah. And I think I kind of talked about this on the archetype episode, but I felt like I really needed to go to flow into a different archetype, and that my style came with that. Yeah. And so I was trying really hard to dress conservative, to look smart, to look scholarly. It didn't feel like me. Yeah. It felt like what I needed to do at the time. Yeah. I wanted people to see me a certain way. I wanted to see myself a certain way. I had a lot to prove because I was, I was young, I was 22. So I started dressing that way as way more conservative. A lot of like button, like the collared button-downs, which like I'm not a fan of. And yeah, trying to figure that out. And then grad school, then I became a therapist. It was COVID, like I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Yeah. So kind of just like was flailing. I was also very, I was in internship and I was very poor. Yeah. So a lot of like what I wore was just like hammy downs from my mom and my sister and stuff like that. And then I moved to Nashville. Yeah. And I felt like I was like, oh, I need like a style renaissance. Yeah. I need like a makeover. I need to do things. I uh dyed my hair lighter, which is very, very difficult to get. Wait, lighter? Like how much lighter? Well, I was like platinum blonde at one point. I slowly went lighter and lighter. I was platinum blonde too for a minute. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you told me that. That's right. Yeah. Talked about this. I think you showed me a picture too. Yeah. I just like went like lighter and lighter. I went from during COVID, I went from black to trying to get back to my natural color, which is light brown. So it's very difficult. I never really got back to it. It was like a reddish color because you just can't go from dyed black hair. Everybody listen to this. In case you're wondering, if you want to dye your hair black, be sure about it. Yeah. Um, if it's not naturally black, it's very, very difficult to get it to anything else. My hair's actually very resilient. It's like fine now.
SPEAKER_03
I mean, everything is resilient, so I'm not surprised.
SPEAKER_00
I hope my vagina's like that when I have kids. I always hear people say that. They're like, my vagina's very resilient. I just bounce right back. I'm like, I hope that happens to me. Oh my god. My hair bounced back. It's gonna be fine too, right now. Yeah. But so yeah, I'd like I went lighter and lighter. And then also just like my style, like moving to Nashville. I was like just trying to dress, I I think just more soft feminine, which I am, but like in like a lighter way. I also was a therapist at a school for a while. So I had to dry like I was wearing like a lot of like maxi dresses and stuff like that. And it felt like me. It didn't not feel like me. I was wearing a bunch of bows, which I still do, but it did feel like I was kind of hiding the darkness a little bit. Then I was kind of forced back into the style that I'm in now. How? So I had dyed my hair platinum blonde, and then I was like, I want to, I want my hair to be like dirty blonde. I want to go back to like my natural color. I started dying it dark, I think like for trauma reasons, being like, I don't want to see who what I actually look like. I don't want to see my natural self in the mirror anymore. I want to look like somebody else.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
So that I had felt like that's why I started dying my hair darker. Yeah. That was just my theory at the time. Yeah. So I was like, let me try to again get back to my natural color, but let's do like dirty blonde, like a little bit lighter. And so uh I went to a hairdresser. Uh, I went to her like four different times to try to get back to this. She dyed my hair pink. Oh. Yeah. Oh. And it was it was because I had done so much shit to it, yeah, that like it it got just got fucked so fucked up. And then I tried to fix it myself, it turned gray. Oh. Then I tried to fix it again, it turned like yellow, and it just like it was just so, it was just really fucked up. Um, a nightmare. Yeah, and I I had like pink hair for a week. It was like, I remember Jake was like, it's like a faded rose, like a burnt rose. You join each other and said, like, reframe it and did something positive, but it was awful. Then I went back to her and she was like, Okay, we're just gonna have to dye it dark. Like, that's the only option. And I was like, How dark are we talking? And she was like, Not that dark. She started dyeing it. I could see it in the mirror and it was completely fucking black. Oh wow whatever she used, she it was supposed to just be brown, but it just went completely black.
SPEAKER_01
Oh no.
SPEAKER_00
And I remember looking in the mirror and just being like, hello, darkness my old friend. And I was like, It's you again, like seeing that self. But after like I after like it just was what it was, and I rolled with it, I was like, Oh, this is actually who the fuck I am. Yeah, and it has always been who the fuck I am. Yeah, it wasn't maybe it was a trauma response at first, but it became who I was. I am a dark bitch, yeah. I need to have black hair, absolutely and I need you to fucking know that I'm a dark bitch. Like, don't be fooled, you know? And then at the same time, like a lot of things were happening. Like I stopped working at the school, so I could like kind of dress more like freely. Yeah. I published a dark romance book, and so like I I felt like that was when I really got back to myself and got into the style that I'm at now.
SPEAKER_02
I love that.
SPEAKER_00
Which now I feel like I would describe as like soft and sexy, soft and sexy. I like and like edgy and emo. Edgy and emo. Like a Disney princess, but like make her emo. Oh that's so true.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, so true. That's so real. I feel like so listening to your style story, it sounds like and and I feel like a lot of girlies have this same experience. It sounds like we change our style through the eras, right? Through the experiences for sure. I used to think that the most, well, I'm not used to, I still think uh that the most like BPD thing I do, aside from like the like crash outs that I used to have, uh, was just changing my hair color and changing my style so often. Like so often. There was this one it it can be for sure. No, seriously. Like I actually, you could tell if you um you can tell who I was dating based on like my style, like genuinely. It's like totally wild. Yeah. There was this moment where I went and I like had my hair dyed like platinum blonde. This was when I was in the like dangerous relationship, the one that almost killed me. Um, and then I dyed it bright red. And I like retroactively put on the like Instagram caption, I was like, this was a cry for help. Because like it really was. Yeah. But like it's so funny because like we all have the cries for help where it's like bangs, yeah, like bright red. I did the bang. I we all have. We all I literally the only time I've ever had bangs in my adult life was in that relationship. Yeah, and I dyed my hair bright red in that relationship that was it. The only times in my adult life that I did that. Sometimes you do feel a little bit better, at least for a little bit, once you do it. Usually, usually like doing this on there with my hair makes me feel great. Um, I'm now in my like commitment era with my hair. I think we're we're in a long-term relationship at this point. So I'm I'm I'm done. Um I'm gonna, my hair's gonna be black forever. Mine's gonna be black forever, too. Yeah. The very first time I dyed my hair, I definitely got in trouble for it, of course. But same, so much trouble. So stupid. How old were you? Oh, um 12. Me too. Exactly 12. Yeah. In seventh grade. Yeah. That's so wild.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, I was, I literally had just like I bought a box of hair dye, I hid it in my backpack, and I was like, My friend and I did it at like uh like the bathroom of like an ice cream shop or something because we could do it at either of our houses. Oh my god. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03
So that's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. I there was so the first time actually I was at a friend's house and she was dying her hair black, and I was like, I want to dye my hair black. And she's like, Do you? And I was like, I'm gonna get in trouble. And she was like, Well then don't. And I was like, no, I'm doing it. So I like pull my leg, twist my arm, literally. And I was like, okay, I'm just gonna dip the tips in. And um just the tip, just tip, and so just the tip to my hair. And I my mom was very upset. And then I just decided to dye the whole thing black. I was like, fuck this, this is silly, I'm just gonna do this. And um, then I started dyeing my hair every fucking color that ever existed, and I was like, this is so much fun. Yeah, yeah. Um, but my hair colors and my style have always been indicative of where I'm at. It's it's like wearing my soul inside out. Always it really is.
SPEAKER_00
That's a that's a really, really good way to describe it. Yeah. Yeah. Can you like expand upon that, not just with the hairstyle, but like style in general? Yeah, what do you think it is? Yeah. So and why is it important?
SPEAKER_03
No, seriously. So to me, it's like it's it's something that just represents like I care about the way that I look, which is helpful because you put value on grooming, you know, like humans are mammals, right? So we we like to groom. So you put value on grooming, on hygiene, on like taking care of yourself, your self-care. It just becomes like part of your routine. Um, it becomes part of your maintenance, it becomes part of your health and your well-being. And it becomes something that you like expect from yourself, right? Like you learn to expect, like, okay, because once you're a stylish person, rarely if ever, and I I don't know if I've seen this before, but rarely if ever do you make the decision to not be a stylish person anymore. Like it it seems like it's a it's a pretty fixed trait. There's a consistency with it, you know.
SPEAKER_00
Exactly. Yeah. It doesn't necessarily mean that like every time every time you're gonna choose the same thing. Yes. But it's intentionality. Yeah. That's the consistency. Yeah. You choose what you choose with intentionality.
SPEAKER_03
It's a way to tell your story before anyone has even spoken a word. Yes. Yeah, totally. It's like it's it's a way to tell your story. And I I've used it that way definitely growing up. Like um my uh I I definitely looked like I had a story to tell, and like I was a very tortured teen because I was a tortured teen. And it was very obvious through my style. Yeah. You know, and like there have been times where like I look really fucking expensive and that's that's intentional, or there are times where I look really um sexy and that's intentional, or there are times where I look really like chill and down to earth, and that's all it's always intentional. Because it's like uh it's a nonverbal communication. Yes, you know, yeah. So I find that style is very it's really important to me. Um it really is. And like I've I've existed on every side of the style spectrum in terms of like what people wear, but then in addition, just how much I've spent on my clothing, like I have spent thousands of dollars and I've spent tens of dollars, right? Like I I am both the sheen queen and I was gonna say sheen. No, literally, I am both the sheen queen and the designer, like queen. Hermaid. Yeah, I know, right? And like I I love just the range of expression that's available out there. And there are times where you can like put something on and you're like you can feel kind of connected to it, and you're like, Yeah, I feel what this person was trying to create when they made this. Yeah. And that's a pretty cool thing, too. So it's like you're kind of almost wearing someone else's art on you.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, yeah. It's it's it can literally fashion can be walking art. It is. It's also fashion is history, it's culture. Yeah. Also, your style can it's fashion, it's clothing, but it also can branch out further than that. You know, like we talked about hairstyles, yeah. And then also how you decorate your space is your style.
SPEAKER_03
I mean, literally, like my whole house is like blue lights, pink lights, like everything. I have been using colored lights like this for literally like six years.
SPEAKER_00
Lights can do so much for the nervous system, they really can. Yeah, your home can say so much about you. I'm big on like I I don't need to have like the cleanest or most pristine home, and I'm definitely not like a minimalist. I want my home to look like me. Yeah, I want you to walk in and know who I am and like who we are. Um, usually, like a lot of people that walk through our house, they're always like, This is so you. Yeah. And I was like, good, that's exactly what I'm going for. Yeah. My house, my style, it's me bleeding my self-concept like everywhere.
SPEAKER_02
I love that.
SPEAKER_00
You know, and that's what I think style is. It's just an outward self-concept. It's telling you who I am without having to tell you. Absolutely. Which I think is so helpful, especially when you're first meeting somebody. Yes. But just in general, yes. It is your identity. Yeah. You and you want people to know what that is. You also want your insides to align with your outsides. Yes. And if they don't, one, you'll never feel comfortable in your own skin, you know, like personality-wise, identity-wise. And also people aren't going to to have a good idea of who you are, at least not initially.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
And how awesome would it be for people to know who you are without needing to tell them?
SPEAKER_03
I agree. I love this idea that like you're able to speak with it's it's a non-verbal cue. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
Right. Like it's an opportunity. It is. Honestly. No, it really is. To show people who you are, how you feel too.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah. Your values, your preferences. Yeah. So when I when I found you on Instagram, literally the reason why I wanted to become friends with you is because I thought you were super stylish. And I was like, hell yeah, this bitch is stylish as fuck. Um, and I was like, she looks fun. And I like because I I and actually my other my other besties, I decided to become their friend because they were stylish. Yeah. And I'm like, I like latch on to stylish people. I'm like, yes, you understand. We're friends now.
SPEAKER_00
Yes. Yeah. I remember noticing that you had black hair specifically, and I could tell that it was dyed black. Yeah. Because it's blue, black, like mine. I remember noticing that, and I was like, We're obviously like soulmates and soul. No, literally. Like and it was true.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah, no, it's like, yeah, we we genuinely started a fucking podcast together. So no, genuinely, genuinely soulmates. Yeah, I feel like the the friends that I've made in this last like year um are like my soulmate friends. I'm like, shit, like these people are gonna be around forever. Fuck yeah. Yeah. And like with you, you were my first friend that I moved to Nashville. Really? Yeah. Okay. You were. Um, yeah, because I had don't put this in there, because I had really bad PTSD. I just didn't leave the house. Um, but yeah, so you were my first friend when I moved to Nashville. And it like I was just like, oh my god, there's so many people here that are like they just dress in like the like Southern-esque stuff, which is it's cute, but it's also a little overdone, maybe. Um yeah, but like, and I I love it when somebody people aren't like making it their own.
SPEAKER_00
Exactly. Sometimes they do. I remember when I first moved here, I saw a girl and she was dressed super almost uh like scene kid back from like remember of scene kids? She was just like scene kids, but she was wearing cowboy boots, and I was like, that's incredible. Like what a blend of like cultures, and like I thought that it was really cool. So yeah, if you do your own thing with it, then if you're just like follow following the trend, yeah, which I think when I first moved here, I was kind of like trying to follow the trend and like seeing what's popular, and it's not like I didn't like what I wore, but I was like hiding parts of myself doing that. Absolutely. There was also at one point that I noticed I remember I was with a bunch of my friends and I was looking around at them and they were all wearing the exact same thing. Oh my God. And I wasn't. And like, of course, like initially I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm an alien. I'm the black sheep again. Why do I always do this to myself? Like, yeah, all this stuff. Like, I turned it inward because that's what I do immediately. But like now looking back on it, it was like, why were they all wearing the same fucking outfit? You know? It's because they like didn't have like personal style, honestly. And they just like it's not even like they were copying each other, they were just copying what's cool, what was trendy.
SPEAKER_03
So I I would often like dress based on who I was dating, and like there would be there, there were lots of relations. Well, there were a couple relationships where there was a major style gap, and that was not good. Um, and the only time I ever dressed like that was when there was a major style gap and the other person was like not really willing to like budge and be a little bit more like stylish and stuff. And I was like, well, I guess I'm gonna dress down. Yeah, and that's what it felt like.
SPEAKER_00
That can make sense though, because like if you're going out with the person, like it can feel weird if there's a huge style gap. Like I remember, yeah.
SPEAKER_03
Like I was I put on this like really, really, really it was, I think for his like birthday or something, I put on this really hot dress. Like it was super hot. It was like great. And he like showed up in like a t-shirt and jeans. And I was like, I can't. I can't. Like, I literally can't. I just have to, I'm changing into jeans. And I did, like, I was like, this is just weird. It's just weird. It's just the gap. Yes. Yeah. I feel like you and Jake don't have a style gap. I feel like you guys have the same like style.
SPEAKER_00
We do, we do. I I think that we like uh kind of morphed into that. Yeah. If anything, though, he kind of took a little bit from me versus me taking from him. Yeah. Also, I showed him Californication, which Hank Moody, who became his idol, it's a the main character of Californication, he's an alcoholic author. Um, and Jake, Jake, Jake really gravitated towards him, which is important. Like you need style icons, you need style inspo. Yeah, it's not about imitation, it's about inspiration.
SPEAKER_01
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
So it was partially like him, you know, watching that and kind of like going towards Hank Moody and then maybe taking some notes from me. And also my style changed and got darker, or like it went back to dark. Yeah. Like I said, like, you know, working out of school, like kind of fucked with my mind. I I felt like I needed to present myself a certain way. I couldn't totally be myself. So now being able to be myself and our styles like started just like matching really well naturally, yeah, and individually, yeah, versus either one of us trying to be like, I need to dress like you, or you know, whatever. Because I remember I I've been in relationships where the style gap was like really fucking huge. And I I didn't do anything to change it because I'm never gonna fucking dress like a guy. Fuck you all.
SPEAKER_03
Fuck all you men. You will dress horribly. A lot, a lot of men. Yeah, when I was the the so usually when I live with somebody, I end up just like I I don't know what it is. I just end up like buying all their clothes for them. Like I just like, I just choose them and I'm just like, this would look good on you, this will look great on you, this and and they don't like have like it's not like I'm buying something that's radically different from what they wear. Yeah. But um the uh I saw a fucking post on Twitter yesterday that was like, what's the male equivalent of a sundress? And it was like cargo shorts and a legend of Zelda t-shirt. And I was like, oh my god. Um, the number of men that I have dated who wore fucking khaki cargo shorts is actually embarrassing. It's actually embarrassing. That's one of the worst things you've ever told me. You told me a lot about shit. No, seriously. I'm like my my uh I hate that. Oh my god. No, it's I mean, like I I learned to hate it too. And I remember like I when I was married, I was like, hey, I love you like so much. But is there any way we could could you just try this sweater on, maybe? Or like would you be willing to wear jeans that don't have seven pockets? Would that be okay? Uh and like thankfully he he took it really, really well and like he, you know, got his own sense of style. And we looked very, very cool together. Yeah. Um, but like the other guys that I've dated who do cargo shorts, I'm just like, if you own a pair of khaki cargo shorts, I'm so sorry, but I just can't do it. You should put that in your hinge profile.
SPEAKER_00
Like, I'm not gonna do it. I'm sorry, guys. No, seriously, I should, I should. Um you either need to not do it or you need to be open to change. I do think that clothes are it's not the only part of style as we've discussed, but it is really, really important. It's the most immediately visible part. It is like the first impression, I think, that people get from you. Funny enough, when I started studying about self-concept years ago, I learned about something called clothed cognition.
SPEAKER_03
Closed cognition.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. And it means how you dress will impact how you think, feel, and behave. You know what? It's so true. It's so fucking true. And there was actually a study done a long time ago. They had a bunch of people with a very similar IQ score come and take a uh like a test. You know, like I I don't know what kind of test it was, but like some sort of mental acuity test. And they had some of the participants dressed in lab coats, like scientists' lab coats, and some dressed in like sweats. And the people dressed in lab coats did significantly better. Like the numbers were insane. Clothed cognition very much goes to the belief that you should dress for the role you want, not the one that you have. Absolutely. Because the people dressed as scientists like kind of believed that they were scientists. Yeah. And therefore their confidence was better and they performed better. Yeah. I do think we should also mention though that yes, like we want to dress for who we are, who we want to be seen as. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be seen a certain way.
SPEAKER_01
Right.
SPEAKER_00
But also we also dress based on how we feel and the environments that we're in.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
So do you have like kind of different uniforms for different environments that you'll be in?
SPEAKER_03
Yes. If there's gonna be a lot of men there and I don't want attention, I dress down. Makes sense. Um or like I just don't dress as hot. And um, or if I just like don't, if I want so, like, for example, I go to this founders group every once in a while and there are a lot of men there. And I know for a fact um that if I were to wear this, this current outfit that I'm wearing, which is um, for those of you who are just listening, like a short plaid skirt, some like ankle boots, and a sleeveless white top, um, I would not be taken seriously. And so I can't dress like that there. Yeah. This is like extreme, like I I don't change, but the outfit has to. Yeah. Um, same thing with like anywhere where I just need to not get too much attention, I just dress down. Not like dress poorly, but I will trend toward more conservative. Um and like when I was in my party girl era, I definitely dressed party girl all the time. Um, you know, so like definitely I I do have phases and spaces that I do or don't. But um I and then when I go out with my girlfriends, we all look cute, obviously, duh. Like when you and I go out, we look cute as fuck.
SPEAKER_00
So uh what is your cutest fuck uniform if you were to describe like and and of course that it's always going to be changing, but like what is your most comfortable outfit that you feel the best in? I love this question.
SPEAKER_03
So uh a skirt for sure. A skirt and knee high boots, definitely um, or a dress with a jacket, or if it needs to be a little bit more like uh put together, um like dress pants with a bodysuit and some heels. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. Um and a leather jacket anytime. Always, always, always. If you ever need a jacket, make sure it's leather. Always make it leather. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
You guys don't have to do that, but we do.
SPEAKER_03
We do, we have no choice. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
This is this is what the cars that we've been dealt, and we're just doing our best.
SPEAKER_03
There's really nothing you can do about stuck this way. So in the best way. Yeah. What about you? What's your what's your like go-to uh battle outfit?
SPEAKER_00
So my favorite is like the outfits that I'll be out in. And that is like pretty similar to what you're saying. It's very dark, a lot of black. I like thigh-high boots specifically. That's like my thing. Yeah, like black thigh-high boots, and then I do love lace. So I'll either wear like a lace shirt and a skirt, always skirts and dresses for me. Um I'm I'm very, very girly. Or just like, you know, like a tight dress. I like black and I also like a burgundy, like wine red. Yeah. Oh my god, I have so much wine red. Because I love red wine. Um the blood of my enemies.
unknown
That too.
SPEAKER_00
And so so I love that. And then I'll always have some sort of like hair accessory, which I love. So I'll always have a bow or a headband, and it's like a very pop of like soft feminine, I think. And so that's my outfit when I go out, and then I do my makeup my favorite way when I go out, yeah, which is heavy. And then I always love to have pink lips. Um, sometimes I fuck around and try different lips, but my favorite is always pink. And when I'm at home, just chilling, it's all like silk slip dresses, silk robes, and I love that. And then when I go to work, it's like similar, but like maybe just a little more of like the soft and light feminine. Like I'll kind of go back to like the like maxi dresses, just like more conservative, a little bit more elegant. Yeah. I also do feel kind of like free being in a private practice. Yeah. Like my clients don't give a fuck, honestly. And usually they always compliment whatever I'm wearing no matter what, which is fun. But I do feel very, very grateful to be in an environment where I can still be myself. Yeah. And I don't have to, because I have been, like you said, how you felt like you wanted to dress like an old lady at serum parts. I when I first became a therapist, I thought that I had to do that. And my supervisor was like in her 70s, and I was like, I have to dress like that. I have to wear like pearl ear earrings. My ears aren't even pierced. And like I pierced, I pierced them. Um my God. Yeah. Um, but you know, stuff like that. So I I feel very uh grateful to be in an environment where I can kind of just like do my own thing. Yeah. So, question for you what do you think might stop our girlies from finding their personal style and expressing their personal style?
SPEAKER_03
The immediate thing that came to mind was budget. Right, obviously. But then also just like fear. Yeah. Yeah. That's really what sticks out to me. Fear and um, so budget, fear, and not knowing. Right. Yeah. So what I recommend for people if they're trying to figure out what their personal style is, um go to a department store if you don't have like fear of going out in public. Go to a department store and go to the designer section and try on all the designer clothes that you like, even if it looks interesting to you, just see what happens. Then go like to Forever 21 or something like that, and just like try on all the clothes that you like. And a lot of times, I think, at least in my practice, where I see people get stuck is when they go into that dressing room and they try on those clothes and they're like, I fucking hate the way I look in everything.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03
And the way that you get around that is by don't look in the mirror first. Like get dressed away from the mirror, don't look into it. Dress yourself looking away from it, feel the clothing on your skin, get in touch with it, you know, pay attention to it, see how it drapes from your point of view. And then if you like it, turn around. If you don't like it, don't turn around, just take it off, put something else on. So that's what I That's good advice. Thanks. That's what I have people do when they're like getting dressed in the morning and they like hate like people uh people come to me all the time, they're like getting dressed in the morning, they hate what they see. And I'm like, then don't look. Just go based off of how it feels. Yeah. Go based off of the vibe, go based off of the energy of it. Um because if you're getting dressed in front of the mirror, you're already going to hate what you see, and then you're just going to continue hating what you see. And nothing's gonna work. It's better if you just like look at your options, your spread, see what's available. Try to make something in your head, set it out, like lay it on your bed or something like that. And then try it on, feel it, experience it. If you like it, mirror, if not, switch it out before you even see it.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah. Um, but I think that more often than not, like the fear of just like being bold really holds people back from being bold. Yeah. And I, as somebody who has been bold her entire life, um cannot recommend being bold enough. Yeah. Like it's it's worth doing it in your style, it's worth doing it in how you speak, it's worth doing it in the way you pursue your dreams, it's worth doing it in the way that you love, it's worth doing it in the way that you carry yourself. Yeah. Being bold takes the fear away. It eliminates it entirely.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I love that. Like being being bold and and not being afraid to tap into that. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. I I agree. I I do think that style has so much to do with who you are, who you want to be, and how you feel. Absolutely. And also your preferences, your values. So much can go into this. Your culture.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah. Your ethics, even.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah, your ethics, yeah, for sure. It is very much how you can wear your soul, wear your self-concept. Yes.
SPEAKER_02
Yes.
SPEAKER_00
Yeah. And so I I do think that it's so important for your outsides to align with your insides, or else you will never feel comfortable in your own skin. And nothing that you wear will ever feel right. Absolutely. Unless you're able to align that. But to align that, I think that a lot of times, like you said, you can't be afraid to be bold. I think that what stops a lot of people is the fear of judgment, the fear of social rejection, which stops us from a lot of things in life. But style is one of them. And we do sometimes think that we need to fall in line, that we need to dress like everybody else, that we need to dress like our friends to fit in with them. But you will never feel right. Something will always feel off if you continue to do that. And there's nothing wrong with following trends, but have your own style within the trends, you know? Yeah. As far as tips for girlies go for finding their style, find some inspo.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
You know, maybe there are some celebrities that you like how they dress.
SPEAKER_03
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
Some friends, some people that you know.
SPEAKER_03
Always love a good Pinterest board.
SPEAKER_00
Always love a good Pinterest board. We made Pinterest boards for our feminine energy episode. We should make them for this episode. We can make one for our own personal style. A Pinterest board is great. A vision board is great. Yeah, find find some inspo. And then I would say something that I like to do is find three, like, I don't know, maybe like two to four or five words that you want people to get from you when they look at you. I love that. And this doesn't just go for your clothes, it goes for your hair, from your makeup, if you wear it, what you carry, the posters on your wall, how you decorate your home, the stickers on your laptop, anything. But what are a few words that describe how you want people to see you or what you want them to know about you? Yeah. So do you know what you think yours would be? Um fierce?
SPEAKER_03
Um comfortable. Surprisingly. Uh intentional. And bold. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Fierce, comfortable, intentional, and bold. What about you? Oh, and evil. I don't know. Maybe not evil. Maybe like dangerous. Ooh. Yeah, dangerous is better than evil. I'm not evil.
SPEAKER_00
But they should know. But you can be, and people should know. Yeah, no, they definitely should know. Yeah, it's not a threat or a warning. It's a promise. I never break my promise. Yeah, I I could I could see that. Um thanks. Mine would be I'd want people to see me as a dark, soft, feminine artist.
SPEAKER_03
Dark, soft feminine artist. That's so good. Yeah. Oh my god. I should have had you choose my words for me. The author to choose my words. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
I can. I can whenever you want me to. Okay. And interestingly enough, those were all things that I felt I used to feel very insecure about growing up. Yeah. And my style reflected it. Yeah. And I feel like I got a lot of bad feedback from my style because I always wanted my outsides to meet my insides. I always had a strong self-concept. I was always unique and I wanted, I just wanted to feel good in my own skin. And I think that that's why I didn't want to be seen as unique. I just wanted to, I always wanted my outsides to match my insides. I think that a lot of us feel that way. Yeah. I I did get a lot of bad feedback about being all of those things: dark, soft, feminine, and uh artistic. Yeah. And it's just, you know, it depends where you grow up. Some some places that can be the coolest thing in the world. Also, the time period we were in wasn't uh very fostering of those things, but I still dressed that way. And I've had, you know, moments where I've gone a little bit outside of that, but I feel my best when I'm inside of that. Yeah. Because it's me.
SPEAKER_02
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00
And I feel the most at home in myself when I can project who I actually am to the world with style.
SPEAKER_03
I love that. That's so good. That's so cool.
SPEAKER_02
I love that.
SPEAKER_03
I feel like we covered so much today in terms of just like the breadth and the depth of styles that we've experienced. Yeah. I would love to hear from some of you what your style history has been. Yeah. Um, because I feel like people have great like verbs and and nouns and adjectives that they like to use for things. And I just love listening to what people have to say.
SPEAKER_00
Yes. Yes. Same here. Yeah. Please DM us. We are at Hot Girl Psychology on Everything. Y'all can ask us questions and give us feedback and things like that. Absolutely. Yeah. Tune in next week where we will be talking about a very hot girl thing, which is how to play the game. You know, that game. You'll see when you come.
SPEAKER_02
But you already know.
SPEAKER_00
In more ways than one. Sorry. Sorry, dark, dark romance moment. No, I love it. Anyway. All right. Thanks for listening, girly. Bye.