WEBVTT
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Your brain doesn't automatically crave what is healthy or even what feels good.
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It craves what's familiar.
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Yep.
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The path of least resistance.
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That's what your nervous system is like, oh, this is familiar.
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And actually this untoxic thing is very unfamiliar and which I don't know that feeling yet.
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And I'm really excited to like have it where I'm like, oh, this is unfamiliar and it's uncomfortable, but it's actually real this time.
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Holy shit.
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It feels fucking crazy.
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It does feel crazy and it feels like you are crazy.
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I felt almost a little bit pathetic when it was happening to me because I was like, oh, I'm not this girl.
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No.
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But we all have nervous systems, you know.
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Not me.
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And that's really funny.
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That's like actually one of the funniest things we've gone.
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Hot girl psychology.
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Welcome to Hot Girl Psychology.
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We're a Girls Girl podcast where attractiveness meets attachment wounds.
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Here at Hot Girl Psychology, we believe that the darkest parts of your mind are the sexiest.
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I'm Emily.
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I'm a startup founder and CEO, and I put the psycho and psychonutritionist.
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And I'm Deanna.
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I'm a clinical psychotherapist, published dark romance author, and recovering people pleaser.
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I treat complex trauma by day and I live it by night.
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What's up, girlies?
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Our topic for today is fuckboys.
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Fuck boys.
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And toxic relationship cycles.
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Yes.
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Oh my God.
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So for those of you who don't know, a fuckboy is what, Deanna?
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Oh.
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A fuck boy can be so many different things.
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The biggest thing that comes to my mind is emotional immaturity.
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Yeah.
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Emotional immaturity and entitlement.
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Yeah.
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Thinking that he's more important than you are.
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Yeah.
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And that anybody else is.
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Yeah.
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And thinking that like everybody owes him something.
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Yeah.
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And so that can take on many different shapes.
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And something that I've noticed is that it can be so different across the generations.
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Yeah.
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I do think that.
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So we are Emily and I are both millennials.
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Yes.
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So lots of different fuckboys.
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It's also cultural too because I'm a I'm an Italian from New Jersey.
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So we have Jersey Italian fuckboys, which is the machissimo ta fuckboy.
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Yeah.
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And so that's a whole different, whole different beast.
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Um, but I feel like something that we're used to as millennials, we'll get a lot of mama's boys.
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Yeah.
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You know, that can't really do anything for their for themselves and they're looking for you to do it all.
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They want the world and they'll give nothing in return.
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Yeah.
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Or they'll give basically nothing in return.
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Or they're dudes that act like they're so, so into you, they'll go so hard, they'll love bomb you.
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And then the second that you're interested in them, they'll pull back.
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Oh.
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And all of a sudden they just want to be friends, or even worse, they'll ghost you.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Yeah, for sure.
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Like they want it, and then all of a sudden, once you want it, they don't want it anymore.
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Yes.
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And then you said they'll ghost you.
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Yes, and ghost you.
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But on the contrast of that, I've seen I actually think this is such a hot take.
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This is from talking to my mom and her friends about their dating lives, like back in, you know, Palm Beach and stuff like that.
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But the Gen X fuckboy is like the worst kind of fuck boy because they are usually they've got some money because it was easy to make money back then.
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They're not living in the world that we are now.
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Um, you know, they own a house, they own a car, they have all the things.
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Um, usually they did like traditional things like get married young, have kids, all that.
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But they are such fuckboys.
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They are so, so, so entitled.
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Yeah.
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So entitled.
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And they'll either be dating somebody age appropriate and just want everything from them and kind of give nothing in return, or they want somebody like our age or younger.
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Yeah.
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Who doesn't know any better who doesn't have the same experience level who will just kind of do who will allow that to happen.
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Yeah.
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So so these are guys in like what are they in their 50s and 60s now?
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Gen X.
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I feel like it is so like it transcultural.
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It is so it's like mythological almost.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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Yes, yeah.
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What it what do you what do you think of when you think of a fuck boy?
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I think of like somebody who's a player and like just also is really fucking toxic.
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Yeah.
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Like very toxic.
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Um and they're the fun kind of toxic, but like it's also the heartbreaking kind of toxic at the same time.
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So like they are a thrill and like a miserable stab in the heart at the same time.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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They swing you from side to side.
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Yeah.
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Oh, yeah, absolutely.
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That I mean, that's how you get addicted to a fuckboy.
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Yeah, because I mean they're literally like a female or a male form of addiction, or I guess you know, masculine form of addiction.
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A hundred percent.
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Addict addictive substance.
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Yeah.
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Well, what what does fun toxic look like?
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Um, like your party friend, honestly, kind of.
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Yeah, a little bit of like your party friend, but then also like um your like this person drives you fucking crazy.
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And it's like a sore tooth that you just keep like running your tongue around over and over and over again and you can't stop, kind of thing.
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Like it hurts so good, kind of thing.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's um fun toxic is like, you know, smoking a cigarette is one of the things that people find fun toxic, right?
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Because it's toxic to your body, but it's stimulating to your brain.
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And that's the same kind of idea with this.
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It's that compulsion that's stimulating to your brain.
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And you know, it just makes you feel alive.
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So usually it has like a power component or like a like control element or something to it.
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Yeah, yeah.
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That that that definitely tracks.
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So I I really like Bravo and reality shows.
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Yeah.
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And it's so funny because the like fun toxic that you're describing, I love those people on TV.
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Yeah.
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And I always talk about, and I can love those people as clients too, to be honest.
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Oh my god, that was I was that client.
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I was I was that fuck.
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I was like obsessed with toxic relationships for so long.
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Yeah.
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It was terrible.
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But like it was so much fun at the same time, but it was terrible.
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I feel like it's fun.
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It's it's fun and it's cute for a time.
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It's in your 20s, maybe.
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I don't know.
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Like, there's also like this like angsty, like teenager, like in your late 20s, early 30s kind of thing that's just like, oh my god, like what's the purpose of life?
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Of course.
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Yeah.
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Well, we go through those psychosocial crises.
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Yes, the third life crisis.
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Yes.
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Yeah, 100%.
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So so it makes sense that those things can come back and also absolutely and people can go for fuckboys in their 40s and 50s.
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Again, the fuckboys defy age.
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They do.
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It's literally, it's an it's an arc archetype, it's a mythic.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's it's the the hot boy archetypes, is the fuck boy.
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Yeah, it's it's like a a spiritual component of the fuckboy archetype.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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100%.
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I'm curious, how how have fuckboys shown up in your life?
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Oh my God, in toxic relationships.
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Yeah.
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It's just like I so I um historically, I have been a serial monogamist.
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And so fuckboys show up a little bit differently in long-term relationships than they do in like, let me jerk you around for that situation ship thing that still somehow extends to two years, but it's definitely a situation ship.
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Yes.
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That kind of thing.
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And then the guy that's just hitting on you up the bar.
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Okay, I like this.
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So it's three different types of fuckboys.
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The the the kind that's hitting on you at the bar.
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Yes.
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The kind that you're is jerking you around in the situationship, and then the kind you're in a long-term relationship with.
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Oh, yeah.
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That's the most dangerous one.
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No, it totally is because that's how you like that's those are the most intense ones.
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Because like how you end up with PTSD.
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That's how you end up with someone trying to kill you because you're like, oh, like he's willing to show me a side of him that he won't show anyone.
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Yes.
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You're like, I'm so special.
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Yes.
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Oh no, that's so special.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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No, a thousand percent.
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A thousand percent.
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So yeah, the long-term relationship ones are the ones that I've been the most uh experienced with.
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I think I've I've had like a couple situationship buck boys, but like I was like, I know this is a situationship, and that's what I'm interested in as well.
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And find whatever you can tell me you love me and like I know you don't, and you're just saying that, and okay, I love you too, you know, like whatever.
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But like that's like it's it's one to one.
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It's it's a neutral toxic is what I guess I should call it.
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Um, but like the long-term relationships, the really toxic ones, oh my god.
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So like just excuses, just like endless excuses for everything.
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Yeah, motherfucking everything.
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I'm like, are you not the weakest person I've ever met my entire life?
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Holy shit.
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Like it's wild.
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Um, is that mean?
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Should I not say that?
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I think it's perfect.
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I think it's spot on.
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That's good.
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Um so yeah, I feel like for me, it's just been a lot of like I'm gonna be taking care of this motherfucker for the rest of my fucking life, and I don't enjoy it, and I'm not doing this to myself, no way.
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Yeah, I'll I'll um I'll exit gracefully bye, and then it's never graceful because you know, used to have BPD kind of thing.
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So yeah, yeah.
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Yeah, yeah.
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These men out here because they bring out the worst in me.
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I have so many feelings.
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I'm trying to be like a professional.
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It's like no literally.
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I can't.
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Yeah, it's hard.
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These dudes kind of fucking suck.
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I I feel like I just like just in long-term relationships, yeah, they kind of do.
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I don't know, but again, I don't really know much about like the well, I guess dudes hit on me in the bar like a lot, and I just I just kind of like look at them.
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I meet them all the time.
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I look at them like I'm their mother, and I'm like, she would be ashamed of you.
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And I would just walk away.
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Oh my gosh, that that actually happened to me.
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I was walking on uh the campus of a college near me, and because it's a just beautiful, and so I was just walking through it on a walk.
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Yeah, and uh these college dudes hit on me and I was like, bro, I could be your fucking professor.
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That's I'm qualified to be.
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Low key, they would think that's even hotter.
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I know, which is fucked up.
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I didn't actually say that.
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I was just like, oh but yeah, yeah, it's it's wild.
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So fuck boys in bars, I feel like is a huge, huge thing that I thought I would stop dealing with one day and I have not.
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Yeah.
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And they just got older.
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Oh my god.
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Or or they're still young and then they're just you know, now hitting on me the the older the older woman, the older woman in the bar.
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Yeah.
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Oh my god, yes, I can feel like when the when the boys are young and they know that I'm not, and I'm like, oh they like it.
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They like they like yeah, a little bit of the mommy type.
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Yeah, you know, like, okay, just make me proud.
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Yeah.
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Just like don't fucking annoy me.
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Again, like if you were to tell me that you were dating, like, I don't know, like a because you know I don't love an age gap, you know that.
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Yeah.
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But if you were to tell me that you were dating like a 28-year-old, yeah, I'd be like, oh, okay.
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Like, yeah, that makes sense.
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But if you told me that you were dating a 50 year old, I'd be like, he's definitely a fuckboy.
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Again, because that generation of fuckboy I think is so much worse than any other generation of fuckboy that's ever been.
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Totally.
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They are.
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I heard the worst fucking stories from these women.
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I literally, so I was trying to date for the very first time in my life.
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Like everybody heard the episode where I talked about my dating profile and stuff like that.
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And since then, I'm like, no, I think I'm not gonna do this age gap thing.
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I'm not down for that anymore.
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Um, because that was a good point.
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And I was like, it matters.
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That's a good point.
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That's a really good point.
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It matters.
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So I, you know, did a little soul searching and I was like, yep, that's that's right for me.
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And um, now I'm like, wow, well, I wonder.
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I mean, like, you know, a younger guy who like makes me feel like I'm not pulling my fucking hair out.
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That's who just like who treats you like a queen instead of mommy.
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Oh my god, literally.
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And it anybody can do that.
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But I'm convinced that right now anybody over the age of 50 cannot.
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I don't think so.
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It's just a generational thing.
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Yeah, no, I think I think that they're um they are unfortunately out of the running seed.
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Yeah, they're done.
00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:37.759
Yeah, I'm they're just gonna be able to do that.
00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:40.559
I did have to disqualify them, so yeah.
00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:42.639
I don't think that their seed will carry on.
00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:43.200
Yes.
00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:44.240
At least not with me.
00:12:44.480 --> 00:12:45.200
Yes, okay.
00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:46.240
All right, well good.
00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:48.080
That's good.
00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:50.799
They'll weed themselves out of the gene pool one way or another.
00:12:52.559 --> 00:12:53.679
That's that's what we need.
00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:55.360
Evolution will do its job.
00:12:55.440 --> 00:12:55.840
It's okay.
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:57.519
Yeah, it always does.
00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:04.720
When it comes to fuckboys, what is the most shameless fuckboy thing you've ever seen somebody do?
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:14.799
Oh god, I I need to go through like my arsenal and there's so many.
00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:20.720
Um I, you know, a sp this could be a specific archetype of fuckboy.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:21.200
Yeah.
00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:22.799
But I saw this recently.
00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:23.360
Yeah.
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:29.600
There is a type of fuckboy that really likes a woman that is taken.
00:13:29.840 --> 00:13:31.039
Like in a relationship.
00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:35.360
And it turns them on, especially in front of their partner.
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.879
And they try really, really hard to go for that.
00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:39.600
Wow.
00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:40.000
Yeah.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:44.720
There there's been quite a few fuck boys that have done that to me in front of Jake.
00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:45.200
Wow.
00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:47.279
And seen like what they can get away with.
00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:49.279
I I have I've had that happen a lot.
00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:52.000
Like yeah, I've had that happen a lot.
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:53.039
I can't stand that shit.
00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:53.759
It's so annoying.
00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.080
And like in such an obvious way.
00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:56.559
Yeah.
00:13:56.720 --> 00:14:01.919
And in a way, and you know, and me being like, oh, I don't and be polite, be polite, be polite.
00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:03.919
And then at some point, I don't do it polite anymore.
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:04.639
I don't do it anymore.
00:14:04.799 --> 00:14:05.919
I don't, I don't anymore either.
00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:06.799
Oh, I can't do it.
00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:08.960
I got to a point where I couldn't do that anymore.
00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:12.639
And also I got to a point where I'm like, I'm playing a part in this if I'm being polite.
00:14:12.799 --> 00:14:13.279
Yeah, exactly.
00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:14.000
You know, yeah.
00:14:14.159 --> 00:14:16.480
You're enabling it if you're just being polite.
00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:16.960
Yeah.
00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:24.080
Um I just can't like suppress the like I just I want to just tell them to like I want to say something unkind to them.
00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:24.480
Yeah.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.120
So I just tell them, leave me alone.
00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:28.879
It's better if you leave me alone.
00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:29.279
Yeah.
00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:29.759
Yeah.
00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:31.919
It's it's safer for both of us if you leave me alone.
00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:33.919
Uh and most actually listen, which is cool.
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:34.320
Yeah.
00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:39.759
So yeah, I people don't listen when I try to say things like that.
00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:48.080
I'm also, I don't know if it's the soft feminine energy in me, but apparently I'm very approachable, which really fucking sucks because I feel like I shouldn't.
00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:49.360
I don't feel approachable.
00:14:49.600 --> 00:14:50.000
Really?
00:14:50.159 --> 00:14:52.960
No, I'm not, because I don't want to be approached by strangers.
00:14:53.039 --> 00:14:53.440
I really don't.
00:14:53.600 --> 00:14:56.480
Maybe you look kind of I don't maybe you look nice.
00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:58.720
I don't think that I look kind or nice.
00:14:58.879 --> 00:15:02.879
I I don't think that objectively I look kind or nice, so I don't know what the fuck it is.
00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:07.440
But people can like smell it and they're just like, oh, oh, she's empathetic.
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:08.159
Let me talk to her.
00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:11.840
She won't be me to me, you know, and like and I wish that that wasn't the case.
00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:15.840
Cause I also I do have rusting bitch face and stuff like that.
00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:17.200
So I'm like, why isn't that enough?
00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:17.679
Yeah.
00:15:17.919 --> 00:15:19.759
Why is that not protecting me?
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:20.240
Yeah.
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:21.840
Like, yeah.
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:30.559
I just kind of like I honestly I'll get a little like psychopathic with people and I'll just like say some crazy shit to like scare them.
00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:40.159
Um, you know, stuff I won't repeat on this podcast because this is permanent, but there's um they really don't want to fuck with a bitch who's crazier than them.
00:15:40.320 --> 00:15:52.240
Yeah, you know, and like that's just like I just I just lean into that because like they're they're trying to see if they can get you to react, but they don't want you to react like that, and I love watching them back down.
00:15:52.320 --> 00:15:53.679
And then that's just like a power thing for me.
00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:54.879
Squirm, yeah, yeah.
00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:56.080
I like watching them fucking squirm.
00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:57.440
No, that can be fun, yeah.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:00.159
But I also like want them to fuck the fuck off.
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:02.799
Like, I don't just don't fuck with me, I'll stop you literally.
00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:09.039
Yeah, I used to that that's that I used to fuck around a lot with like unwanted male attention.
00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:16.320
Yeah, meaning like I kind of liked having the validation, but I certainly wasn't interested in the guy.
00:16:16.480 --> 00:16:24.799
Yeah, but I like to fuck with them a little bit, yeah, you know, and uh that's not something that I do at all anymore because I'm just too old.
00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:25.279
Yeah.
00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:28.480
And it's it's such a waste of time and it's it's not fun anymore.
00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:29.919
And I don't think it was fun back then.
00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:34.960
I think I just like thought that I needed it for I don't know, extra validation, whatever it was.
00:16:35.120 --> 00:16:35.360
Yeah.
00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:39.039
If you're still in that phase, we feel you.
00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.720
We feel you, you know, we feel you, you know, do do your thing.
00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:46.080
Um when it stops being fun, just stop doing it.
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:50.399
Yes, you know, but really like listen to yourself when it stops being fun.
00:16:50.639 --> 00:17:00.080
Yeah, you know, because you can also once unwanted attention goes too far, and it's not your fault if it goes too far, yeah, but it can get really fucking ugly.
00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:00.559
Yeah.
00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:01.279
And really bad.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:05.759
Yeah, no, like men, some men just don't know when to stop.
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:14.319
And when you're not good at t telling them when, like when you're not good at like really being hardcore about when to stop, if you don't know how to be fully assertive, like it just becomes scary.
00:17:14.880 --> 00:17:21.200
You know, like you actually have to learn how to be like, all right, bro, like I'm gonna say some crazy shit to you to make you leave me alone, you know.
00:17:21.519 --> 00:17:24.000
Like I just I feel like we just I don't know.
00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:32.559
Yes, men are scary, but like again, if you're scarier than they are, if you choose to like just channel that in the moment, like most of them will fuck off.
00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:33.039
Yeah.
00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:37.519
You know, so just PSA to any girlies out there who are like, I have no idea what the fuck to do.
00:17:37.680 --> 00:17:38.720
Please give that a shot.
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:39.359
Yes.
00:17:39.440 --> 00:17:40.240
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:42.160
Absolutely, totally agree.
00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:45.440
What do you think are some common red flags of a fuckboy?
00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:47.519
Slams a cabinet when he's angry.
00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:48.400
Mmm.
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:50.079
Wow, okay.
00:17:50.319 --> 00:17:50.799
Yeah.
00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:51.359
Yeah.
00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:52.480
That's so interesting.
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:52.880
Yeah.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:18:04.720
That's like the slams a cabinet when he's angry, withdraws when he's upset, um, like won't answer your texts, but like does like social media games and shit, like, you know, that shit.
00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:18.799
Um he pretends like he can't understand what you're asking for, or he does like a half-hearted attempt of getting things done the way he's supposed to, or like, you know, just like he says he's gonna do something, doesn't follow through with it.
00:18:19.039 --> 00:18:21.680
Um like I literally have such a long list.
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:24.319
They're never ending.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:24.960
Yeah.
00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:26.640
Like that's the vibe.
00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:29.519
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.359
That's the those are such such good observations.
00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:34.240
Yeah.
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:36.559
I'm just like going through all my relationships that I was in.
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:38.880
And I'm like, what didn't work about this one?
00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:40.079
What didn't work about that one?
00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:42.000
Oh shit, I've only ever dated fuckboys.
00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:43.440
I didn't know that until this episode.
00:18:43.759 --> 00:18:44.640
So just now.
00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:46.240
Still literally just now.
00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:50.799
Like, wow, even the guy, even my sweet ex-husband was a fuckboy.
00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:51.359
Oh no.
00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:52.400
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:56.400
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:57.440
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:57.680 --> 00:19:08.319
I've I think that it's a hard thing to I I don't I don't want to speak for you or all women, but I'm going to.
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:16.720
I think that when you've been in relationships that are really abusive, yeah, everything else other than that seems fine.
00:19:16.960 --> 00:19:17.359
Totally.
00:19:17.680 --> 00:19:19.839
But that doesn't mean that they were.
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:20.400
Yeah.
00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:23.839
A relationship can be toxic without being abusive.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:24.240
Yeah.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:25.440
Like codependency.
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:27.359
Codependency can be toxic.
00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:29.039
There's so there's so many different things.
00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:40.720
Jealousy, there are just so many different things that can be toxic that aren't necessarily abusive, that aren't um necessarily incredibly unsafe, like get a restraining order type of situation.
00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:42.319
Man, I don't know that shit.
00:19:42.720 --> 00:19:44.079
I don't know that one.
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:46.559
What the fuck, dude?
00:19:46.880 --> 00:19:47.759
Oh no.
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:50.640
Well, that's I'm about to learn something today.
00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:56.079
What what is your real what is your experience with toxic relationships?
00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:01.039
Um, I thought it was like amazing that my husband didn't yell at me.
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:01.519
Okay.
00:20:01.680 --> 00:20:03.200
Yeah, my ex-husband didn't yell at me.
00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.440
Um, and I thought that meant we had a great relationship because he didn't yell at me.
00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:13.920
And like that's like because all I knew was men fucking yelling at like losing their fucking minds.
00:20:14.160 --> 00:20:19.680
Um, and then he was the final, he was the he has been the only partner I've ever had who didn't yell at me, actually.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:20.559
Yeah.
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:21.920
So everyone else has.
00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:22.240
Yeah.
00:20:22.400 --> 00:20:25.039
So I'm just like, oh well, they're all toxic because they yell at me.
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:25.359
Yeah.
00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:27.519
There's just so much.
00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:28.319
Yeah.
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:28.720
Yeah.
00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:29.359
Yeah.
00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:30.000
Yeah.
00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:32.000
That hit hard.
00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:33.039
I didn't think about that.
00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:33.519
Yeah.
00:20:33.759 --> 00:20:40.880
I didn't think about that because I also I grew up with a very, very, very yelling father.
00:20:41.119 --> 00:20:41.599
Yeah.
00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:47.920
And yeah, I I remember being like, oh, he's perfect be just because he doesn't yell at me.
00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:48.400
Yep.
00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:48.960
Yeah.
00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:49.519
Yeah.
00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:55.279
And I I feel like I um yeah, I haven't that's the only partner I've ever had who didn't yell at me.
00:20:55.839 --> 00:20:56.160
Uh-huh.
00:20:56.480 --> 00:20:58.559
I I haven't ever made that connection until now.
00:20:58.880 --> 00:21:03.440
So not yelling that's a good thing for the most part.
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:04.880
I I believe that.
00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:06.640
Everybody is different.
00:21:07.200 --> 00:21:09.680
Um I don't yell.
00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:12.799
I won't accept my partner yelling at me.
00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.200
When I have a kid, I will never yell at him.
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:16.799
I told you I'm having a boy.
00:21:17.039 --> 00:21:18.160
Hopefully we'll see.
00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:22.240
Um, but I I I don't I don't do yelling.
00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:22.799
Yeah.
00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:26.000
Um, and my sister is the same for obvious reasons.
00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:26.640
Yeah.
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:33.039
But somebody not yelling at you doesn't mean that they're that your relationship is super healthy.
00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:33.839
You know what I mean?
00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:44.319
And I think that we can mistake that for thinking that something is amazing and healthy just because you're like, you went from one toxic, horrible situation to something that seems like a little bit better and you're like, this is amazing.
00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:46.000
No, seriously, that's exactly what it was like.
00:21:46.160 --> 00:21:46.319
Yeah.
00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:48.880
It was just like learning, like, oh wow, this is amazing.
00:21:49.039 --> 00:22:13.039
But then, you know, like it's it's really interesting because there's not when you grow up like with the primary um Parent that you have who matches the gender that you're attracted to, like being a fuckboy, then your whole entire life gets informed through the lens of men are supposed to be fuckboys.
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:16.880
Oh but like that's so true.
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:17.839
It's really interesting.
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:19.920
Like the fuckboy addiction is so real.
00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:24.000
And I literally think I just like was born into that.
00:22:24.079 --> 00:22:26.000
Like I was born addicted to the fuckboy.
00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:27.680
Yeah, yeah.
00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:28.640
100%.
00:22:29.599 --> 00:22:30.000
Yeah.
00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:33.200
I mean, that's 100% real.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:41.200
Your brain doesn't automatically crave what is healthy or even what feels good.
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.720
It craves what's familiar.
00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:43.119
Yep.
00:22:43.200 --> 00:22:44.240
The path of least resistance.
00:22:44.319 --> 00:22:46.480
That's what your nervous system is like, oh, this is familiar.
00:22:46.880 --> 00:22:50.799
And actually, this untoxic thing is very unfamiliar and which I don't know that feeling yet.
00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:57.599
And I'm really excited to like have it where I'm like, oh, this is unfamiliar and it's uncomfortable, but it's actually real this time.
00:22:57.759 --> 00:22:58.319
Holy shit.
00:22:58.480 --> 00:23:09.440
Because people talk all the time about how when you finally like get into something healthy, um, you are like uncomfortable because your nervous system is trying to go back to what it knows.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:09.759
Yes.
00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:11.279
And so it pulls you backward.
00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:16.559
And um I have not yet had that experience in a relationship where I'm like, oh, but this is healthy.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:18.160
And now I feel like I'm being pulled backward.
00:23:18.400 --> 00:23:25.599
So someday, whenever I do end up deciding to reconsider relationships, that's gonna be I'm excited to experience that.
00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:26.160
Yeah.
00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:28.480
It feels fucking crazy.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:31.200
It does feel crazy and it feels like you are crazy.
00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:35.920
I felt almost a little bit pathetic when it was happening to me because I was like, oh, I'm not this girl.
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:36.160
No.
00:23:37.440 --> 00:23:39.200
But we all have nervous systems, you know.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:40.480
Not me.
00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:43.119
Okay.
00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:47.039
Not in my mind, it not makes it back then.
00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:48.319
Back then.
00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:49.759
That's really funny.
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:51.920
That's like actually one of the funniest things to be personally.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:53.519
Not me.
00:23:54.720 --> 00:23:55.920
Better than that.
00:23:58.640 --> 00:24:03.039
I I really thought that back back when back when I met Jake.
00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:13.200
Um, I was I was very, I was also a very young therapist, a very young like CBT DBT therapist that was like, there's a fix for everything.
00:24:13.839 --> 00:24:14.240
You know?
00:24:14.960 --> 00:24:17.599
And I was like, this can't be good.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:25.279
And I was like, the way that I felt around him felt so amazing that I was like, ugh.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:27.680
I was like, I can't do this.
00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:32.480
And even my friend, my friend that I had met him with was like, what is wrong with you?
00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:34.480
Oh my god, you were avoidant.
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:35.519
So avoidant.00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:37.759
I was a fuck girl.00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:38.319
Oh my gosh.00:24:38.400 --> 00:24:40.079
I was 100%.00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:42.400
I was 100% a fuck girl.00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:44.000
Like for so long.00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:55.279
And I also, you know, I I I know a lot of fuckboys, I dated a lot of fuck boys, but I was a fuck girl and I was even more of in some of my relationships.00:24:55.359 --> 00:24:59.759
I do think that I was even more of like the bigger fuck girl than the fuck boy was.00:24:59.920 --> 00:25:04.960
And I think I was like even maybe more of the toxic one in an avoidant way.00:25:05.119 --> 00:25:05.359
Yeah.00:25:05.519 --> 00:25:07.519
It was more of like not doing than doing.00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:08.079
Yeah.00:25:08.319 --> 00:25:19.599
Um, but I had such like in the past, such a need for escape from my emotions, and then also like simultaneously a need for validation.00:25:19.839 --> 00:25:20.400
Yeah.00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:25.200
But it was I was a musical theater kid.00:25:25.359 --> 00:25:25.599
Yeah.00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:27.759
All I have is big feelings.00:25:28.559 --> 00:25:36.319
But I was also like, I will never fucking tell you them because I grew up in a terrible environment where we weren't allowed to have any feelings.00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:36.720
Yeah.00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:39.119
So you have to know them.00:25:39.359 --> 00:25:53.759
And even if you do know them, I will still not admit to them that I will still like I will still do fucking anything to not give you love and to not let you love me.00:25:53.920 --> 00:25:54.240
Yeah.00:25:54.559 --> 00:25:56.400
And that's what avoidants do, you know.00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:01.119
But then there was like this tiny part of me that like really still wanted the validation.00:26:01.279 --> 00:26:12.000
And I feel like that came out in the very like manipulative parts and in like, and it came out in like emotional affairs in ways that I could explain away.00:26:12.079 --> 00:26:16.640
Cause I was like, oh, if we're not touching, then it doesn't matter.00:26:16.799 --> 00:26:23.039
If we don't have sex, then it's not an affair, you know, or which is so fucked up and not true.00:26:23.279 --> 00:26:26.720
Honestly, I feel like an emotional affair can be even worse than a sexual affair.00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:27.279
Yeah.00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:34.640
Like there's nothing worse than like sleeping next to you to somebody and texting somebody else, I love you.00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:36.240
Whole I did that shit.00:26:36.720 --> 00:26:38.000
I I've I did that shit.00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:43.759
I did um I definitely did that when I was like 18 or 19.00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:44.240
Yeah.00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:44.480
Yeah.00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:44.960
Yeah.00:26:45.119 --> 00:26:47.519
This is like around the same time that I'm talking about.00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:50.000
Well, no, it it persisted a little bit.00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:50.400
Yeah.00:26:50.559 --> 00:26:52.079
Um, past that point.00:26:52.480 --> 00:27:03.039
But yeah, the like things like that and purposely like pushing someone away just to see what they would do, you know, stuff like that.00:27:03.200 --> 00:27:13.680
Very, very avoidant, and then like a little bit of the disorganized would come in, but but mainly avoidant and like just never giving somebody love that they gave me.00:27:13.839 --> 00:27:14.160
Yeah.00:27:14.400 --> 00:27:33.440
You know, and uh and that that wasn't, those were a few of my relationships because I had one really, really, really fucking bad one, a really abusive one where I was just made to feel like garbage for like I can't even tell you the number of years because that would give away who it was, but it was a lot of fucking years of my adolescence.00:27:33.680 --> 00:27:42.079
So yeah, it I feel like I went to like the other side of the spectrum of like I'm gonna be the fuck girl now.00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:44.880
And I was like, these dudes deserve it.00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:53.920
And also like watching like cheating all the time growing up, being told that cheating was okay, literally verbally told.00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:59.440
So I've definitely been the fuck girl a lot of times.00:27:59.680 --> 00:28:00.960
Yeah, yeah, yeah.00:28:01.200 --> 00:28:05.279
And dudes love the fuck girl the same way that girlies love the fuck boy.00:28:05.920 --> 00:28:07.359
They do, they get addicted to that shit.00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:15.039
And I I feel like the disorganized attachment, like that's so that's high that's historically been mine where it's just like, oh my god, like what is up and what is down.00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:16.720
Yeah, have you been the fuck girl?00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:17.279
Oh.00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:21.680
Um I've been toxic for sure.00:28:21.839 --> 00:28:22.079
Yeah.00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:23.680
I've definitely been toxic.00:28:23.839 --> 00:28:27.200
Um, and there were times where like how toxic I was like made me uncomfortable.00:28:27.279 --> 00:28:45.920
And you know, like I've always like um I I have this thing where I compulsively like if I upset somebody, I want to figure out how to change my behavior because I refuse to accept excuses for poor behavior from myself.00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:57.839
Um, and I mean that in a way that's like I know that there's a pathway for healing if I have some poor behavior, whether that be like leaving the situation or leaving the, you know, conversation or like whatever.00:28:57.920 --> 00:29:05.359
So I I do try at this phase of my life to be very much not fuck girlish, but historically pretty toxic.00:29:05.440 --> 00:29:09.920
Um yeah, just like I just unable to regulate my emotions.00:29:10.160 --> 00:29:10.559
Yes.00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:11.920
That's that's been the primary thing.00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:16.240
It's like my my dysregulated emotions have been the fuck girl element that I have.00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:18.720
And then like so that's your flavor, fuck girl.00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:19.119
Yeah.00:29:19.279 --> 00:29:20.720
My flavor is dysregulation.00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:23.359
Whew, my flavor, my flavor is dysregulation.00:29:23.440 --> 00:29:31.759
And like with very specific people, it has been like like, oh my God, how do you describe it?00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:37.759
Like the most fiery toxicity, like just the fun, the aliveness that I was talking about earlier.00:29:38.000 --> 00:29:40.799
Like, you know, the crazy psycho aliveness shit.00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:43.519
Um, and everybody has their own flavor of it.00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:45.440
Everyone has their own flavor of psycho.00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:46.319
A hundred percent.00:29:46.480 --> 00:29:48.559
And I like all the flavors.00:29:50.480 --> 00:29:51.680
You like all the flavors?00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:53.119
No, I fucking hate them.00:29:53.440 --> 00:29:54.480
I you definitely need them.00:29:54.640 --> 00:29:55.519
Yeah, no, I did.00:29:55.680 --> 00:29:58.160
Um, I did Jesus fucking Christ.00:29:58.240 --> 00:30:01.359
I really have you ever had someone that's the same flavor as yours?00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:02.240
Uh-huh.00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:03.680
That's how I almost died.00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:04.240
Okay.00:30:04.400 --> 00:30:04.640
Yeah.00:30:04.799 --> 00:30:11.599
Like it was, it was literally like it felt like a stalemate until he pulled that move and I was like, nope, I'm out.00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:12.559
Too far.00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:13.759
Too far.00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:15.039
Can't go that far.00:30:15.440 --> 00:30:15.680
Yeah.00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:16.160
Yeah.00:30:16.319 --> 00:30:19.039
I felt like I fucking like it, it felt like a checkmate.00:30:19.119 --> 00:30:20.799
I was like, oh my God, I can finally get away.00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:21.200
Yeah.00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:23.200
You know, and that's that's like where I'm like, okay.00:30:23.279 --> 00:30:26.640
Like how how how was it the same flavor?00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:28.799
Like, what it what did that look like?00:30:29.359 --> 00:30:30.319
What did you guys have in common?00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:30.640
Okay.00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:30.960
Yeah.00:30:31.119 --> 00:30:31.839
Escalation.00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:43.599
Um, we both wanted to be like the right one to a persistent degree.00:30:43.759 --> 00:30:49.039
Um, mine being kind of like emotionally persistent, his being physically persistent.00:30:49.599 --> 00:30:50.079
Yeah.00:30:50.400 --> 00:30:54.160
Just an escalation style, like anxious attachment.00:30:54.240 --> 00:30:55.599
I had really bad anxious attachment.00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:01.519
And it like would make me like be freaked out that he was gonna leave me because I had BPD, anxious attachment, fear of abandonment.00:31:01.599 --> 00:31:03.759
Like it was just fucking awful.00:31:04.079 --> 00:31:04.319
Yeah.00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:05.519
Um, yeah.00:31:05.680 --> 00:31:10.079
So and he apparently was diagnosed NPD at one point in a previous provider.00:31:10.240 --> 00:31:14.160
So it was like literally like a fucking perfect storm.00:31:14.480 --> 00:31:16.640
Literally light the match and set the place on fucking fire.00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:17.039
Yeah.00:31:17.200 --> 00:31:17.359
Yeah.00:31:17.519 --> 00:31:18.480
Just psycho shit.00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:19.039
Yeah.00:31:19.200 --> 00:31:19.519
Yeah.00:31:19.839 --> 00:31:28.160
I learned um I learned that psycho shit that is uncontrolled is not my flavor of what I like.00:31:28.799 --> 00:31:29.200
Yeah.00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:29.759
Yeah.00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:30.480
Yeah.00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:32.720
I like the sovereign psycho.00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:33.359
Okay.00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:34.000
Yeah.00:31:34.160 --> 00:31:40.799
You know, just somebody who's not like somebody who's like, you know, I could just become a marathon runner or something like that instead of this toxic shit.00:31:41.119 --> 00:31:41.279
Yeah.00:31:41.599 --> 00:31:42.400
I'm like, yeah, yeah.00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:43.200
Like I like that.00:31:43.599 --> 00:31:50.640
Why do you think our girlies keep getting into toxic relationships?00:31:51.039 --> 00:32:00.799
Well, if they're like me, um, it's intoxicating at first because you know, in to like toxic meets you, it intoxicates you.00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:02.559
Um and that should be tracks?00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:04.000
It tracks.00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:05.200
If A, then B.00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:06.720
It is what it is.00:32:06.960 --> 00:32:19.680
Um, and that is definitely like for all of us who have that emptiness inside, that intoxication really makes that emptiness a lot quieter.00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:25.279
Um, but then it leaves you like devastatingly empty and never full.00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:29.759
And that is a major contributing factor.00:32:30.079 --> 00:32:30.240
Yeah.00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:32.160
What do you think though?00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:34.240
Yeah, I completely agree.00:32:34.799 --> 00:32:41.839
I do think that our nervous systems, yeah, they like what's familiar.00:32:42.079 --> 00:32:42.640
They do.00:32:42.880 --> 00:32:51.119
You know, they and not only okay, in I I see this in two, I see this in two different ways.00:32:51.440 --> 00:32:53.599
One is like the meaning-making part of me.00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:53.839
Yeah.00:32:54.000 --> 00:33:01.039
That is like if you watch such toxic behavior growing up, yeah.00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:03.519
So, or experience toxic behavior growing up.00:33:03.599 --> 00:33:24.160
So that could be like your parents are in a really toxic relationship, or caretakers, or like a sibling is in a really toxic relationship, or you're in a really toxic relationship in your teen years or early adult years, that is gonna be so normalized to you that anything that you see after that is gonna look normal if not better.00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:24.559
Yeah.00:33:24.799 --> 00:33:29.359
You know, because you're like, oh, well, that's not that because this was normal.00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:33.119
So in like a more existential way, like in a meaning-making way.00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:34.480
Yeah, that's how I see it.00:33:34.559 --> 00:33:43.279
And your nervous system is not necessarily looking for something that feels good, it's looking for something that feels like home.00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:44.000
Yeah, yeah, yeah.00:33:44.160 --> 00:33:45.519
And it's going to find that.00:33:45.599 --> 00:33:45.839
Yeah.00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:49.680
And a lot of times it's going to find that in the toxic patterns.00:33:49.759 --> 00:33:50.160
Oh, yeah.00:33:50.319 --> 00:33:54.400
Like your nervous system very much is not looking at like what's good for me.00:33:54.559 --> 00:33:54.799
Yeah.00:33:54.960 --> 00:33:58.079
It's looking at like, do I recognize you?00:33:58.319 --> 00:33:58.640
Yeah.00:33:58.880 --> 00:33:59.680
Do I know you?00:33:59.839 --> 00:34:00.079
Yeah.00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:08.159
And if the answer is yes, then the nervous system is going to relax into it.00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:08.639
Yeah.00:34:08.800 --> 00:34:11.360
It's going to trust it and it's going to choose it.00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:13.199
I love that.00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:13.920
You know.00:34:14.320 --> 00:34:16.559
And a lot of this is like polyvegal stuff.00:34:16.719 --> 00:34:17.119
Yeah.00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:27.599
But it that is the reason why like chaos can look like chemistry and inconsistency can look like passion.00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:28.159
Yeah.00:34:28.559 --> 00:34:28.960
You know?00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:29.679
Absolutely.00:34:29.920 --> 00:34:33.760
Um, especially if that's what you saw growing up.00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:50.719
And it's also I feel like a a lot I see this a lot, but it people feel like being chosen by somebody that is toxic feels like winning a competition that they've been like or like winning a marathon that they've been running their entire lives.00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:51.280
Yeah.00:34:51.840 --> 00:34:52.239
You know?00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:53.119
Absolutely.00:34:53.440 --> 00:34:56.079
Because that is what they grew up seeing.00:34:56.320 --> 00:34:56.800
Absolutely.00:34:57.199 --> 00:35:05.599
Healing happens when you break that pattern of your nervous system being comforted by toxicity.00:35:05.760 --> 00:35:06.079
Yeah.00:35:06.239 --> 00:35:11.920
Like I think sometimes no, not sometimes, all the time.00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:13.840
Asking, is this good for me?00:35:14.159 --> 00:35:14.559
Yeah.00:35:14.800 --> 00:35:18.079
Regardless of what any single part is telling you.00:35:18.239 --> 00:35:18.400
Yeah.00:35:18.559 --> 00:35:24.559
Is this good for because your body can like the vulva can tell you a lot of different things.00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:25.519
Oh my God.00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:28.960
Specifics to not say the vagina because it's the vulva, because that's the whole thing.00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:34.239
It can tell you a lot of different things that are not, that are not good for you.00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:34.639
Yeah.00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:35.199
You know?00:35:35.440 --> 00:35:39.599
So it can also specifically tell you when something that you're doing is not good for you.00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:40.000
Yeah.00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:40.480
100%.00:35:40.800 --> 00:35:40.960
You know.00:35:41.119 --> 00:35:41.519
100%.00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:42.559
Multiple different directions.00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:45.360
But you should always be asking yourself, is this good for me?00:35:45.599 --> 00:35:48.079
Ask, ask all the parts, is this good for me?00:35:48.639 --> 00:35:49.039
You know?00:35:49.360 --> 00:35:50.000
Absolutely.00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:56.400
Because a lot of times we're we're just going based on some sort of urge.00:35:56.559 --> 00:35:56.880
Yeah.00:35:57.039 --> 00:35:57.920
Some sort of urge.00:35:58.000 --> 00:35:59.840
And again, some sort of familiarity.00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:00.320
Yeah.00:36:00.480 --> 00:36:01.679
Some sort of comfort.00:36:02.159 --> 00:36:02.400
Yeah.00:36:02.880 --> 00:36:03.199
You know?00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:07.360
And so that pattern should be broken.00:36:07.519 --> 00:36:14.719
And I I do think that our goal in life shouldn't be to find what feels like home.00:36:14.880 --> 00:36:15.199
Yeah.00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:22.159
It should be to become a person who prioritizes a home that is actually safe.00:36:22.719 --> 00:36:23.840
To become home themselves.00:36:24.400 --> 00:36:24.639
Yeah.00:36:24.880 --> 00:36:25.039
Yeah.00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:25.679
I love that.00:36:25.920 --> 00:36:30.320
And to feel at home in yourself versus trying to find it.00:36:30.480 --> 00:36:30.800
Yes.00:36:31.039 --> 00:36:32.960
In other people, other places.00:36:33.199 --> 00:36:33.440
Yes.00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:35.280
And you won't want to you won't.00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:36.639
Wherever you go, there you are.00:36:36.880 --> 00:36:38.639
Wherever you go, there you are.00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:39.119
Yeah.00:36:39.199 --> 00:36:39.440
Yeah.00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:40.079
I love that.00:36:40.239 --> 00:36:40.880
That's so true.00:36:40.960 --> 00:36:41.519
That's so real.00:36:41.760 --> 00:36:41.920
Yeah.00:36:42.079 --> 00:36:47.679
I want to talk a little bit about why toxic relationships are so addictive.00:36:47.840 --> 00:36:48.000
Oh.00:36:48.320 --> 00:36:49.360
Because clearly they are.00:36:49.519 --> 00:36:49.840
They are.00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:51.199
They know better than anybody.00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:51.599
Yes.00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:58.400
The biggest thing that I know is that we become addicted to them because of intermittent reinforcement.00:36:58.480 --> 00:36:58.639
Yeah.00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:07.599
So basically the cycle is that there's a um, like the narcissistic abuse cycle kind of, it's also that intermittent reinforcement.00:37:07.679 --> 00:37:15.760
So it's like there's, you know, like a love bombing period or just like a um like a chill period that's like good and you know, whatever.00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:17.199
Hot and cold.00:37:17.440 --> 00:37:34.480
Yeah, tension will rise, an incident will happen, and um then there'll be like a reconciliation period, or for people like the narcissistic abuse cycle, it's like love bombing, um, like devaluing and then like discard or something like that.00:37:34.880 --> 00:37:35.599
I don't remember.00:37:35.840 --> 00:37:36.880
But yeah, yeah.00:37:37.199 --> 00:37:37.679
Yeah.00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:42.079
To me, intermittent reinforcement is inconsistency.00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:42.880
Yeah.00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:46.159
And it is so addictive for that reason.00:37:46.400 --> 00:37:48.000
Yeah, because you never know when the reward is coming.00:37:48.079 --> 00:37:49.760
And so you're like, give me more, give me more.00:37:49.920 --> 00:37:50.800
It's fucking gambling.00:37:51.119 --> 00:37:56.400
It fucks with your reward system, it's gambling, which is your like dopamine cycle.00:37:56.559 --> 00:37:56.719
Yeah.00:37:57.039 --> 00:37:58.559
It fucks with that reward system.00:37:58.719 --> 00:38:02.079
So it's always intense affection, then withdrawal.00:38:02.159 --> 00:38:02.480
Yeah.00:38:02.639 --> 00:38:02.960
You know?00:38:03.119 --> 00:38:03.519
Yeah.00:38:03.840 --> 00:38:12.159
And your brain will be trained to start chasing the good parts.00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:12.559
Yeah.00:38:12.880 --> 00:38:17.039
It's a lot of distress, then relief.00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:17.519
Yeah.00:38:17.679 --> 00:38:30.400
So something that I've heard from a lot of people that are, you know, currently in toxic relationship cycles is that it's it's not even that there's like super high highs and super low lows.00:38:30.480 --> 00:38:31.840
It's just that it's okay.00:38:31.920 --> 00:38:32.079
Yeah.00:38:32.239 --> 00:38:33.440
And then really, really low.00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:34.800
Yes, that is exactly what it's like.00:38:34.960 --> 00:38:35.519
But it's enough.00:38:35.679 --> 00:38:35.920
Yeah.00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:36.400
It's enough.00:38:36.559 --> 00:38:39.599
Well, yeah, because like you just you become a fucking fiend.00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:41.039
You're fiending for it the next hit.00:38:41.280 --> 00:38:41.440
Yes.00:38:41.679 --> 00:38:43.280
It's literally like a fucking addiction.00:38:43.440 --> 00:38:45.280
It is 100% an addiction.00:38:45.440 --> 00:38:45.679
Yeah.00:38:46.079 --> 00:38:46.320
Yeah.00:38:46.400 --> 00:38:49.039
And it it literally becomes a hit like a drug.00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:49.679
It does.00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:53.280
Because your nervous system, there's no greater drug than your attachment system.00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:54.559
There is no greater drug.00:38:54.639 --> 00:38:56.960
There's no greater drug than something that feels like love.00:38:57.199 --> 00:38:57.519
Yes.00:38:57.679 --> 00:39:08.639
Well, I mean, literally in the brain, it's like when the lows are low, when someone's making you feel bad, making you feel like garbage, and that can look very different depending on the person.00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:09.199
Yeah.00:39:09.519 --> 00:39:14.559
But that increases cortisol levels, which is anxiety, distress.00:39:14.719 --> 00:39:15.119
Yeah.00:39:15.360 --> 00:39:24.480
And then once things are good, things are fine, things are settled, however that looks, it's all of the dopamine and oxytocin.00:39:24.719 --> 00:39:25.199
Yes.00:39:25.519 --> 00:39:30.159
So literally that is the same exact thing that happens with drugs.00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:30.639
Yes.00:39:30.800 --> 00:39:34.079
Or alcohol or anything, any any type of vice.00:39:34.239 --> 00:39:34.400
Yes.00:39:34.559 --> 00:39:37.599
In IFS, we call them firefighters, but it's neither here nor there.00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:43.360
But it is what you are, what you need for your brain.00:39:43.440 --> 00:39:47.679
So it literally becomes a need the way that drugs become a need.00:39:47.760 --> 00:39:48.000
Yeah.00:39:48.159 --> 00:39:56.480
And I've always said this about drugs that drugs are just a way to regulate an already dysregulated nervous system.00:39:56.639 --> 00:39:57.280
Yeah.00:39:57.679 --> 00:39:59.679
Toxic relationships are kind of the same.00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:01.280
They are a thousand percent the same.00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:04.639
And then they do the opposite the same way that drugs do the opposite.00:40:04.960 --> 00:40:05.280
Yes.00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:05.679
Yes.00:40:05.840 --> 00:40:06.239
Absolutely.00:40:06.320 --> 00:40:06.559
Yeah.00:40:06.639 --> 00:40:08.719
So I feel like it's it's just that addiction feeling.00:40:08.800 --> 00:40:10.000
Like it's it's just compulsive.00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:19.119
It's very much like it's familiar, it's comfortable, it's known, it's like the up and the down, it's what I grew up with, it's what I know.00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:21.840
It's that, you know, that kind of idea, that kind of thought feeling.00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:28.320
Um that seems to be the primary like kicker on people.00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:29.119
Absolutely.00:40:29.280 --> 00:40:29.440
Yeah.00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:31.119
It's that reward system too.00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:32.000
A thousand percent.00:40:32.320 --> 00:40:39.119
When you when you have something and then don't have it anymore, you'll just do anything to win that back.00:40:39.440 --> 00:40:40.079
It's gambling.00:40:40.159 --> 00:40:43.039
It's it's literally like it is fuckboys are a casino.00:40:43.280 --> 00:40:44.719
Fuck boys are a casino.00:40:44.960 --> 00:40:46.400
And they are a casino.00:40:46.559 --> 00:40:46.719
Yes.00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:51.519
And you are not bonded to the person, you're addicted to the cycle.00:40:51.760 --> 00:40:52.079
Yes.00:40:52.239 --> 00:40:58.480
And the problem is like you could replace them with any fucking toxic ass motherfucker, and you would still be like, absolutely.00:40:58.960 --> 00:40:59.440
Let's go.00:40:59.679 --> 00:41:01.920
You could replace them with any person.00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:05.519
You could also replace them like any with anything, like you just said, gambling.00:41:05.760 --> 00:41:05.920
Yeah.00:41:06.400 --> 00:41:09.519
Replace them with drugs, alcohol, food, food, yeah.00:41:09.679 --> 00:41:14.880
Any anything that you can get addicted to, you can just as easily get addicted to people.00:41:15.199 --> 00:41:15.599
Yeah.00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:19.199
And I think that we don't recognize that as much as we should.00:41:19.440 --> 00:41:19.920
No, we don't.00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:20.800
We really, really don't.00:41:21.039 --> 00:41:28.880
I do think that a lot of times people feel so connected to somebody that's toxic.00:41:29.039 --> 00:41:32.559
And again, we were talking about like somebody like matches your flavor of toxicity.00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:36.000
Like I've definitely had somebody that matched my avoidance.00:41:36.079 --> 00:41:37.599
And I was like, oh, he's even more avoidant.00:41:37.679 --> 00:41:38.000
Wow.00:41:38.159 --> 00:41:38.400
You know?00:41:38.480 --> 00:41:38.880
Yeah.00:41:39.039 --> 00:41:42.320
Um, and so I I totally understand that.00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:52.079
I I know that anytime you are in a toxic relationship or an abusive relationship, mainly you are trauma bonded.00:41:52.320 --> 00:41:53.280
Oh, a thousand percent.00:41:53.440 --> 00:41:56.480
And people I don't think understand what trauma bonding means.00:41:56.639 --> 00:41:59.760
It doesn't mean that you were bonded over trauma.00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:08.400
It doesn't mean that you both, you know, had a vulnerable moment and talked about both of your traumas, and you were like, oh, we have so much in common and we were so close.00:42:08.639 --> 00:42:09.440
It's not that.00:42:10.000 --> 00:42:14.159
Trauma bonding is pretty similar to like Stockholm syndrome.00:42:14.239 --> 00:42:14.639
Yeah.00:42:14.800 --> 00:42:21.679
It is just somebody being toxic, maybe abusing you, and you are addicted to it.00:42:21.840 --> 00:42:23.599
That's that is what a trauma bond is.00:42:23.840 --> 00:42:24.239
Absolutely.00:42:24.400 --> 00:42:24.559
Yeah.00:42:24.719 --> 00:42:25.039
Absolutely.00:42:25.119 --> 00:42:26.320
Yeah, no, a thousand percent.00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:31.119
I was in a really, really bad abusive relationship.00:42:31.280 --> 00:42:36.960
And the last time that I was in that was 17, 18.00:42:37.039 --> 00:42:37.199
Yeah.00:42:37.440 --> 00:42:37.840
At that point.00:42:38.000 --> 00:42:39.840
It went on for a very, very long time.00:42:40.079 --> 00:42:44.079
But I was like, I will never, ever, ever do that again.00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:44.400
Yeah.00:42:44.559 --> 00:42:48.320
And I feel like my window of tolerance got extremely, extremely small.00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:48.800
Yeah.00:42:49.199 --> 00:42:52.159
Um, for something like that, and my standards got very high.00:42:52.400 --> 00:42:52.719
Yes.00:42:53.039 --> 00:42:57.760
You know, it it doesn't mean that I didn't have toxic relationships or toxicity.00:42:57.920 --> 00:42:59.519
Again, I was very avoidant.00:42:59.840 --> 00:43:08.159
I would either be the toxic person or I would find somebody just as avoidant as me, which is what I ended up doing before Jake.00:43:08.719 --> 00:43:15.920
But um yeah, I I do think that that was my rock bottom.00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:18.400
And I was very young for that to happen.00:43:18.559 --> 00:43:18.880
Yeah.00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:23.280
But I'm glad that it was so brutal and so rough.00:43:23.440 --> 00:43:23.679
Yeah.00:43:23.840 --> 00:43:25.440
But I'm glad that it didn't happen.00:43:25.679 --> 00:43:29.679
You're glad that it happened that young because I do feel like the worst is over for me.00:43:29.920 --> 00:43:30.159
Yeah.00:43:30.320 --> 00:43:30.559
Yeah.00:43:30.639 --> 00:43:33.039
I mean, like I definitely feel like the worst is over for me too.00:43:33.119 --> 00:43:39.679
And I feel like I learned it a little bit later in life, but um it still feels just as valuable, you know.00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:40.559
100%.00:43:41.199 --> 00:43:42.639
It it does it doesn't matter.00:43:42.800 --> 00:43:43.119
Yeah.00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:44.079
When you learn it.00:43:44.320 --> 00:43:45.199
Yeah, absolutely.00:43:45.360 --> 00:43:45.679
Yeah.00:43:45.920 --> 00:43:57.199
I feel like I feel like the the choice to not the choice to realize that freedom is a gift and it's a gift that you have to choose.00:43:57.360 --> 00:43:57.760
Yes.00:43:58.000 --> 00:43:59.840
Is one of the most important things you can do in life.00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:00.559
Yeah.00:44:00.719 --> 00:44:01.199
Yeah.00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:05.840
Um, and consciousness is a medium through which you can choose that freedom, right?00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:11.199
Like having free free will, agency, you know, choice, whatever you want to call it.00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:27.039
Um, but deciding that you are the master of your own destiny and that you can keep yourself from being in a shitty situation by one, figuring out a way to leave the shitty situation that you're in, and then two, not doing that to yourself again.00:44:27.280 --> 00:44:27.599
Yes.00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:28.000
Yeah.00:44:28.159 --> 00:44:29.440
Yeah, absolutely.00:44:29.920 --> 00:44:31.280
Which is fucking hard to do.00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:35.440
Oh my God, it's like the hardest thing you're ever gonna fucking do, but it's still worth the effort every single time.00:44:35.679 --> 00:44:35.920
Yeah.00:44:36.079 --> 00:44:36.400
Yeah.00:44:37.119 --> 00:44:48.719
So how do you think that our girlies can recognize toxic relationships and what should they do about it if they've recognized that they're in one?00:44:49.199 --> 00:44:52.800
So if you there's symptoms of it, right?00:44:52.880 --> 00:44:57.679
If you find yourself crying over this person multiple times, yeah, there's a really good chance shit's not okay.00:44:57.840 --> 00:45:00.960
Like either you got something going on or they're doing something to you.00:45:01.519 --> 00:45:15.599
Um if you're if you spend more moments with them, thinking about them, like talking about them, if more often than not, those moments leave you anxious, that's a good sign that, hey, something's not right.00:45:15.760 --> 00:45:20.079
Um, and if you just kind of feel like they're the center of your universe, there's something's not right.00:45:20.239 --> 00:45:23.679
You know, like um they can be the center of your heart, but like your universe know.00:45:23.920 --> 00:45:30.960
So those are like, yeah, those are like because that that's those are all indicative that the relationship is demanding more from you than what you have to give to it.00:45:31.119 --> 00:45:31.440
Yeah.00:45:31.599 --> 00:45:33.360
Um, because it's taking your peace away from you.00:45:33.440 --> 00:45:36.400
And peace is not something that is meant to be compromised on.00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:36.880
Yeah.00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:37.360
Yeah.00:45:37.519 --> 00:45:39.679
Peace is extraordinarily important.00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:43.599
Um so if your peace is disrupted, there's a good chance you're in a toxic relationship.00:45:43.679 --> 00:45:54.639
And the way you fucking deal with that is by taking back your peace, because that means taking back your power and it's putting it somewhere where it actually benefits you rather than limits you.00:45:54.880 --> 00:45:55.199
Yeah.00:45:55.360 --> 00:45:55.599
Yeah.00:45:55.760 --> 00:46:02.079
So, like, you know, give the give the, hey, I'm lonely.00:46:02.159 --> 00:46:04.159
I don't really, you know, like the way this is working.00:46:04.320 --> 00:46:07.039
Like, I miss when, you know, we would do this.00:46:07.280 --> 00:46:08.480
What can we do about it?00:46:08.639 --> 00:46:14.719
And then leave the space for them to make the choice and accept that if their choice is, they don't do shit about it.00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:15.679
That's your answer.00:46:15.840 --> 00:46:17.599
That's the answer you're trying to avoid.00:46:17.920 --> 00:46:18.239
Yeah.00:46:18.480 --> 00:46:18.719
Yeah.00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:19.199
Yeah.00:46:19.440 --> 00:46:19.920
Absolutely.00:46:20.480 --> 00:46:25.599
Ball in their court and be ready to receive it back if they throw it, but they typically don't.00:46:25.840 --> 00:46:26.400
Yeah.00:46:26.639 --> 00:46:31.840
I that can that can we not the fuck boys versus the right not fuck boys.00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:32.719
The not fuck boys.00:46:32.800 --> 00:46:33.760
What are the not fuck boys?00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:35.039
The not boys.00:46:37.599 --> 00:46:38.480
The hot boys.00:46:39.199 --> 00:46:39.760
They're hot boys.00:46:40.400 --> 00:46:41.199
Hot boy psychology.00:46:42.159 --> 00:46:44.320
We love hot boys at hot girl psychology.00:46:44.559 --> 00:46:45.760
We do love hot boys at hot girl psychology.00:46:45.920 --> 00:46:47.039
We're not trying to leave you out.00:46:47.280 --> 00:46:48.320
Yeah, we love you guys.00:46:48.719 --> 00:46:49.360
Yeah.00:46:51.280 --> 00:46:51.760
Yeah.00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:52.239
Yeah.00:46:52.320 --> 00:46:55.440
I feel like that's the way to get out of a toxic situation.00:46:55.760 --> 00:46:56.000
Yeah.00:46:56.159 --> 00:46:56.320
Yeah.00:46:56.480 --> 00:46:57.760
What are your thoughts?00:46:58.079 --> 00:47:00.960
Yeah, I uh I love all of that.00:47:01.360 --> 00:47:06.159
I I do think that first of all, notice inconsistency.00:47:06.800 --> 00:47:09.199
That to me is the biggest red flag.00:47:09.440 --> 00:47:21.519
Notice the inconsistency, notice any type of chaos, and then also notice a lot of us have vices.00:47:22.320 --> 00:47:26.960
We don't necessarily need to call them addictions because they're they're not all, you know, full-fledged addictions.00:47:27.119 --> 00:47:27.280
Yeah.00:47:27.519 --> 00:47:32.559
Addiction usually means it's like really fucking hurting you, and not all of our vices really fucking hurt us.00:47:32.800 --> 00:47:41.360
So let's say that you have any other vice, does this relationship feel similar to that vice?00:47:41.519 --> 00:47:41.760
Yeah.00:47:42.000 --> 00:47:46.719
Do you feel the are there the addiction feelings happening?00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:47.119
Yeah.00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:47.599
You know?00:47:47.920 --> 00:47:49.599
Are you using it to run away from something?00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:50.639
Yes, yes.00:47:50.880 --> 00:47:53.679
Because a lot of times our vices are to escape from something.00:47:53.840 --> 00:47:54.239
Yeah.00:47:54.559 --> 00:48:02.559
And if it does have those elements, it doesn't necessarily make it bad, but keep asking the questions.00:48:02.800 --> 00:48:03.920
Is this good for me?00:48:04.400 --> 00:48:05.760
What is this person's behavior?00:48:05.920 --> 00:48:08.079
Is this person's behavior consistent?00:48:08.400 --> 00:48:15.840
Are they making me feel at peace or at peace and romantic and passionate?00:48:16.400 --> 00:48:21.360
Or are they making me feel fucking horrible and passionate?00:48:21.519 --> 00:48:23.039
And you know what I mean?00:48:23.280 --> 00:48:24.639
Like what what is the base?00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:25.920
What is the basis there?00:48:26.159 --> 00:48:26.639
Absolutely.00:48:26.880 --> 00:48:30.400
Because I think that a lot of times the basis there is toxicity.00:48:30.559 --> 00:48:30.880
Yeah.00:48:31.199 --> 00:48:36.239
And there's so many like sprinkles on top of it that we can't see what the ice cream flavor is.00:48:36.400 --> 00:48:36.880
Absolutely.00:48:37.199 --> 00:48:37.440
You know?00:48:37.599 --> 00:48:37.920
Absolutely.00:48:38.079 --> 00:48:38.400
Yeah.00:48:38.719 --> 00:48:42.480
So try to find out what the fuck the ice cream flavor is.00:48:42.719 --> 00:48:43.199
Yeah.00:48:43.519 --> 00:48:54.800
And once you once you have figured that out, this is just hitting home because I've given this uh guidance a lot in the past few weeks.00:48:55.119 --> 00:49:05.039
But if you realize that somebody or that your relationship is toxic, either they're toxic or your relationship with them is toxic.00:49:05.119 --> 00:49:07.199
Maybe you're the toxic one, whatever it is.00:49:07.760 --> 00:49:12.559
Don't do the back and forth because the roller coaster is going to continue.00:49:12.639 --> 00:49:15.119
If you're like, I don't think we're right for each other.00:49:15.360 --> 00:49:22.800
And especially if the other person uses intermittent reinforcement, they're gonna be like, you're you know what, you're right, we're not, but I love you.00:49:23.039 --> 00:49:24.320
And so this was really sucks.00:49:24.400 --> 00:49:26.159
You're like, wait, you loved me?00:49:26.320 --> 00:49:28.159
You're like, yeah, I really did.00:49:28.480 --> 00:49:35.519
So, you know, I I I did want to take you out to dinner, like, oh wow, no, we can go out to dinner, like, okay, yeah, uh, I'll pick you up tomorrow.00:49:35.599 --> 00:49:36.960
Actually, no, fuck you.00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:44.800
You know, it's it's it can be very, very up and down, and the roller coaster will continue.00:49:44.960 --> 00:49:45.280
Yeah.00:49:45.599 --> 00:49:52.079
So the only way to get yourself off of the roller coaster, the only way to get yourself out of the cycle is to disengage.00:49:52.320 --> 00:49:53.199
The only fucking way.00:49:53.360 --> 00:49:56.639
The only way to get off the roller coaster is to get off the roller coaster.00:49:56.880 --> 00:49:58.320
Stop talking to them.00:49:58.639 --> 00:49:59.920
No contact.00:50:00.239 --> 00:50:01.199
No contact.00:50:01.519 --> 00:50:02.559
Say your piece.00:50:02.719 --> 00:50:03.760
Yes, get out.00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:08.719
You don't, if you want to hear their piece, you can, but for the most part, get out.00:50:08.880 --> 00:50:09.119
Yep.00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:13.360
And if you can't, if if you absolutely cannot do no contact, fucking gray rock.00:50:13.599 --> 00:50:20.000
You are as boring and nothing and completely unexciting like a gray rock.00:50:20.079 --> 00:50:22.559
And that is the only thing you are ever to that person.00:50:22.719 --> 00:50:27.440
And you do that strategically so that they don't get a rise out of you and you finally get to go back in your power.00:50:27.599 --> 00:50:28.719
Oh, so you act like a gray rock.00:50:28.960 --> 00:50:31.280
You definitely act like I was like, what are you saying?00:50:31.519 --> 00:50:33.039
Wait, you've never heard of the gray rock method?00:50:33.360 --> 00:50:34.079
No, no, I haven't.00:50:34.159 --> 00:50:34.639
I like it though.00:50:35.119 --> 00:50:46.559
Yeah, it's it's like the best tool for getting yourself out of a super toxic, um, like a toxic co-parenting situation or like a toxic like, you know, ex situation where you have to be in contact with them or like you work with them or some shit like that.00:50:46.719 --> 00:50:50.559
Like, and they, you know, like use that as a way to corner you and you just give them nothing.00:50:50.880 --> 00:50:51.920
Fucking nothing.00:50:52.079 --> 00:50:52.880
You starve them.00:50:53.039 --> 00:50:56.960
Yeah, you absolutely starve them of any attention that you could possibly give them.00:50:57.119 --> 00:51:03.119
And then they like, you know, an animal get bored and then go find something else to fuck fuck with somebody else, yeah.00:51:03.280 --> 00:51:06.079
Because narcissism is just a step above being an animal.00:51:06.320 --> 00:51:07.199
Yes, yeah.00:51:07.360 --> 00:51:08.559
Yeah, which makes sense.00:51:08.719 --> 00:51:13.360
But I I feel like so an a way to gray rock is blocking them, right?00:51:13.519 --> 00:51:14.239
Yeah, yeah.00:51:14.400 --> 00:51:15.920
That is definitely a way to gray rock.00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:18.079
If you can fucking cut them out, like just do it.00:51:18.239 --> 00:51:21.920
Just do it, just erase them from your past, race, just future, erase them from everything.00:51:22.239 --> 00:51:26.719
I every time I'm I'm out of a relationship, like it's always it always ends badly enough.00:51:26.880 --> 00:51:29.920
Um, thanks, dudes, look at that for me.00:51:30.320 --> 00:51:31.280
It always ends bad.00:51:32.159 --> 00:51:33.119
Thanks, dudes.00:51:33.360 --> 00:51:34.480
Thanks for the trauma.00:51:34.559 --> 00:51:35.760
Now we have a podcast.00:51:35.920 --> 00:51:38.559
Hey, I know you're listening.00:51:38.960 --> 00:51:50.159
So, girlies, if you have learned anything from this episode, fuck fuckboys.00:51:50.400 --> 00:51:51.679
Don't fuck the fuckboys.00:51:51.840 --> 00:51:52.639
Don't fuck the fuckboys.00:51:52.880 --> 00:51:53.920
Fuck fuck boys.00:51:54.159 --> 00:51:54.400
Yes.00:51:55.840 --> 00:52:00.880
Don't physically fuck the fuckboys, but metaphysically fuck fuckboys.00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:04.960
And the reason why fuckboys are so good in bed is because that's the only thing they're good at.00:52:06.159 --> 00:52:07.679
I don't think they're always good in bed.00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:08.800
Take that out.00:52:09.519 --> 00:52:10.400
Don't fuck fuckboys.00:52:10.719 --> 00:52:23.519
Don't fuck the fuck boys because they do not deserve your love and your incredible, incredible, beautiful cookies.00:52:24.800 --> 00:52:25.440
Cookies.00:52:25.599 --> 00:52:29.039
Is that the hot girl psychology official terminology we were gonna use?00:52:29.280 --> 00:52:33.840
Yeah, I don't think I don't I don't know if we can say I don't know if we can say any any more than that.00:52:33.920 --> 00:52:34.559
But yeah.00:52:34.719 --> 00:52:41.519
Um and if you're in if you are in a toxic relationship, we fucking get you.00:52:41.679 --> 00:52:43.119
We have all been there.00:52:43.360 --> 00:52:44.159
It sucks.00:52:44.400 --> 00:52:45.199
You are normal.00:52:45.360 --> 00:52:48.320
Yeah, we we we 100% get it.00:52:48.639 --> 00:52:55.840
Tune in next week when we will be talking about more hot girl things, more hot girl things.00:52:56.159 --> 00:52:56.960
Bye, girl.00:53:01.440 --> 00:53:05.119
Hot girl psychology, hot girl psychology, hot girl psychology.
